Oh yeah

I've been struggling alot lately with jealousy/distrust and forgiveness. I don't know what has gotten into me. I've been doing a better job of containing it, but I still feel it nagging at me. I want so badly for it to disappear, but I guess I'm not there yet. I wish I didn't put Megan through the things I do because I can't deal, but I do nonetheless. I keep praying about it, and it seems to get better and then it plummets again. Sometimes it's triggers, but sometimes it just happens. Am I suppose to feel this way from time to time? I know I'm not normal but is feeling the way I feel sometimes normal? I'm trying...

Hm...I ponder shall I wander?

It's beautiful here. I'm not really a nature fanatic and most people would agree, but it's absolutely gorgeous here right now. The trees are in all sorts of shades of orange, red, yellow and green. I drove down Dickson this weekend and noted 27.4 people on Old Main lawn taking pictures. I should take a few myself and post them, but we'll see. I'm not sure there will be any leaves come tomorrow morning anyways after the MASSIVE wind today. I swear it grabbed my pants and carried me into some people. I could've flown a kite to the moon today. I'm sure the wind was blowing even in space. It blew so hard I kicked a soccer ball straight up from midfield and it score a goal for us. Crazy eh?

Speaking of crazy, I'm going crazy waiting for this weekend. I'm SO excited about seeing Megan and laying a big, wet juicy smile on her. That's right, it's big and since there's going to be some good food, it'll be wet too. So yeah I've been thinking of her for the past million years and I'm ready to see her in...egad! person. It's like waiting for Christmas, except no returns or snow or decorating a tree, and for that matter no wrapping paper...so I guess it's not like Christmas at all. Except that it will take FOREVER to get here.

Man I've got a ton to talk about on here. I think I'm honestly just avoiding my electronics homework. I will do it later today I suppose. So I'm kinda worried about this Xmas break. We're having a hard time deciding the arrangements for the 2nd annual ski trip to Jordan's house. Many ppl from last year aren't going and many more want to go. The problem arises in that we can't really split up the group too well and we can't have too many people going. I may end up calling a few guys, hopping into a car and just driving there. No planning. But the money comes into the picture. I'm really wanting to get some stuff for the ol' white lightening, so I dunno. I can feel some jealousy coming on for Megan being with the RFCs, so I've got to get a cap on that. I don't know if we'll be able to meet up for skiing this year or not. I'm so horribly bad, I'm not sure I want her to see me board. So if I were to go to the resort, we might ride a lift together and then I'd be on my own the rest of the time, which would defeat the purpose of going in the first place. So I'm not sure how it's all going to work out. What's to say we'll even be together then? So I guess I shouldn't worry about it until it gets here. I do know I want to go to Jordan's and board some more. Hm....well I think this is it for a bit. Halloween is today and I really don't have big plans. I wish she was here to go trick or treating with me. Otherwise it looks like no candy for me. I've got to work the Gregson basement halloween thing anywho. Over and OUT.

I want one....

Working on a full house...with a hand full of jacks

It's almost the weekend!!! This week wasn't too bad, or at least the latter part wasn't it. I had a a quiz and test Monday and a test Wednesday. I think I did decent on the one today but Monday's weren't too good. I'm going to struggle to pull A's in most of my classes, but after my last test in MechEMat I only need a 65 to get an A in there. I'm happy about that. So that and lab 1 and hopefully history will be As for sure. I don't know about MDC and electronics, it'll depend mostly on the curve in those classes. I've not been doing too great in either, but neither has anyone else. It just kinda stinks that I don't know how I'll end up in those classes. All I know is the rest of the week is up in the air. I've got nothing due, minus MDC which I am almost done with, until next week. I'm reviewing some electronics and reading history, but otherwise I'm finished for the week and that makes me very, very happy. It's a shame I didn't plan on going home this weekend, instead of sacrificing study time last weekend to go home.

I gotta tell ya, this long distance thing with Megan is getting old. I'm tired of everything. I sincerely like her, but geez another couple months of this and I'll be old and grey. It's not killing me, but it's a nuisance and it aggrivates me more than anything. I tried to avoid this situation and look what happens. I just keep thinking back to this one time she said something about us not being married and I agree 100% now. We're NOT married, so why do I deal with this poop? Love. I dunno why I can't keep my mind off her, why I can't not do things for her even when she doesn't return the favor. I do know that when I am tired and lonely, she's not around to hug me or give me a smile and tell me everything's going to be okay. But then, maybe I don't need that anyways. I guess the ultimate question right now is "Is she worth it?" Right now-yes, later-we'll see. Over and out.

Making it by

This week's gone by fast. It's not been too bad of a week. I had most of my tests/quizzes last week so this week is just a clean-up week. I do, however, have a test Friday in MechEMat and a test in fluids Monday, following my quiz in electronics. I am not too worried about the mm test, I've been studying all week. The fluids shouldn't be too tough either, but I'm going home this weekend so I don't know how much time I'll have to study. Electronics is still a self-taught class. I did some of the homework tonight and it isn't too bad, but I don't really know what we're doing in there. That seems to be the general consensus though. It kinda sucks having classes with curves, because I'm doing poorly in them, but I know if I can stay with or ahead of the pack I will be okay. It's that way in electronics- I've got a 60 or so but I know the highest average I've heard is a 73. That puts me around a B in there. So I dunno.

Tomorrow will mark one year for Megan and I. It's been a crazy year. I've been confronted by park rangers for starting fires, stood in front of St. Basil's cathedral, played in "caves", made more collages than ever before and never been happier. It's not always happiness though. I think back to this summer, with Megan going hiking. That was tough for me. I know God was watching out for me when he cut the first trip short and didn't allow the second one to happen. I've never been so proud of myself for allowing my girlfriend to do that and at the same time felt so violated. Those were some tough days, this summer. Now I'm here at Fayetteville, while she's down in New Orleans saving the world. hehehe, it's funny how I am always led blindly into relationships that involve distance. I'm going to stick this one out, I think. I gave up in the past and I regret it sometimes. Meg is too great/awesome to give up on. I know we'll have much more of this kind of thing to deal with in the future, but I know if I can make this and next semester, I'll be on the right path to dealing with problems later. Plus I'm discovering more about myself than I ever thought I would. I am seeing I do have a jealousy problem, I am too dependent on others for support and I need to spend more time with God. I've never prayed as much as I have this semester. Some days are just really tough for some reason, both because of classes and a loaded schedule and because of Meg being gone. I'm making it through them, though, thanks to God and our relationship. Megan's doing a great job of helping as well. Listening to my complaints, and never telling me to shut up. She really is great at that.

Anywho, I'm going home this weekend. It's my birthday on Saturday and we're going to *sigh* Magic Springs. I really don't know why my parents want me home, I suspect it is to keep me sober or something, but I'm hoping for a surprise. Like a huge banner wishing me a happy birthday or a large box with Megan secretly hiding in or a Lotus exige!!! How exciting! More than likely, they just want to keep me alcohol free for a few more days. I will get to see my other girlfriend, Patsie, at church. She should be about 5 ft tall and probably still jealous of Megan. hehehe, good times. Have a great weekend!

Craziness

It's been one crazy week and I'm happy it's almost over. I had a test in MDC which rocked my world. I thought I knew the stuff, but apparently none of us knew anything. It was a huge relief to have it over with though. Tomorrow is my midterm in history and it's an actual midterm, so I'm a little anxious to see how it goes. I've been studying on and off since last Thursday, so I think I'll do okay. I've just got to get a grip on everything's place in history.

Meg and I had a nice little discussion tonight. I really started something with no clue where I was going and once again felt a little less like a boyfriend afterwards. I swear she's perfect, but I always manage to find something to gripe about. She seldom asks anything of me, and I always seem to be asking her for stuff. I really don't know what my deal is. I've done the same things in the past, but never to this extent. I don't know where this relationship is going, but I hope I can find a way to improve things for us. I really enjoy every minute of talk with her, but it's when we're not talking that I start taking the off road courses. We've been together for almost a year and although I feel like we've grown in leaps and bounds, I feel we've got a long ways to go. Correction, I've got a long ways to go. I really need to learn to be more of a boyfriend in heart and mind and concentrate less on being the romantic guy. It does no good to be the sweetest thing in the world if I'm not going to back it up with something more substantial. I really do feel like I love her, but sometimes I wonder if I even know what love is to be saying I love her. I'm trying, nonetheless, and I know that's got to count for something. I'm going to try all I've got to be better than she'd ever expect.

Well I suppose it's off to work for me. It's going to be a fun shift, packed with suspence and glamour. I'll be getting ready for this history test, and doing lots of praying. After this it's smooth sailing and that is something I am VERY, VERY thankful for. Speaking of thankful, I talked to my dad today and he always brings a smile to face when he calls for little or no apparent reason. What a guy that dad of mine! I'm going home next weekend for my birthday and I'm actually really looking forward to it. Probably giving Cory's girl a ride to the house, so that'll make for an interesting ride. heheheh. Have a great day.

Where am I

I just finished watching "Lady in the Water" and I've got to tell you that the movie always gets to me. It's about finding your place in life, finding a purpose and it really inspires me to do more. Sometimes I struggle with being worth anything and finding the reason for myself, but that movie shows me that my true purpose might not being what I expect. It's not a typical movie, but you should watch it and watch it as more than just a movie. It's an idea.
Anyways, this week has been good. I had a quiz in history and that's really it. Next week, on the other hand, could be a little rough. I've got a test in history, one of two, and a test in MDC, one of seven or so. The history test is Thursday and I'm not too worried, although I WILL be studying. The MDC test is pretty crucial, but the real crucial one is the electronics quiz. I only have quizzes and the final in there. Right now I'm barely pulling a 52 in there, but hopefully I can knock out this quiz and do a little better. Pray for me.
Well it's been about five days since Meg left and I'm missing her. I missed her alot while watching that movie, bc I watched in theaters with her and we had a nice chat about it. Anywho, I'm stuck on some more mellow songs right now. I'd suggest
Congratulations- blue october
Chasing cars- snow patrol
I've been alternating between them alot, even though they're not really my genre of choice. I hope you have a great weekend and you tell someone you love them. It'll be better for everyone.

Bikes, Blues and a Lovely Girlfriend

This weekend was busy! First, Megan came into town on Friday, which was amazing. She gets more and more beautiful everytime I see her. We went to Fall retreat in Eureka Springs and it was great. I relaxed and had a lot of fun sitting around the fire, praying, hearing John Gay talk and sharing stories with everyone. It's so amazing to be in Christian fellowship with other people who are suffering just like me. I talked to Chris Nelson, who's girlfriend is in Greece. We had a nice chat about dealing with LDRs and I felt encouraged to know he's making it through. Granted he probably doesn't have the "go everywhere" girlfriend I do, but he presented some good ideas for communication. We left the retreat early and went to Bikes, Blue and Barbeque. That was great because it's basically where Megan and I started dating. Things just went from there and I haven't looked back.
Sunday we went to church and then ate at Smoky Bones. It was some good time bbq. I could actually use a little right now. Good stuff! Then we played some football at 6 and didn't do too great. Only 4 girls showed, but they played their butts off. Then it happened, Megan left. She wanted to get home to chill with her family, which I was a little jealous of, but I know they were happy to see her. Hopefully I won't find out that she hung out too much with "him" but we'll see. I'm so happy with her right now, I don't see it making things get too crazy.
Tonight we had another football game. It was a busy day for me: working homework, sleeping, etc. We played great in our game though. We went into overtime and ended up losing 27-24 to the number 2 team in the league, so I was pretty happy. I'd really like a W, but I guess we've got next week. Right now Joe is out and Jordan is at about 45%. They both hurt their ankles, so maybe they'll be healed up by next week. Anyways, I've got some other stuff to take care of before my shift is over. This is going to be nice week, as opposed to the past 3 or so. I do have a quiz in history on Thursday and a MDC test next Wednesday, but I'll take those in stride and try not to load myself down.