Performance Eval

Good evening everyone! I hope that the world is treating you well. I'm doing pretty well myself. I just bought a new used car and really like it. The gas mileage I miss from my old car, but I am adjusting...some. It is nice to have a car I can spend a little money on every now and then and know it isn't being spent to keep it running. Also on a good note: I have been spending as much time as possible with the students at SAU. They are a really good group of kids and have such a diversity amongst them. I love to talk to them about their tests, homework, dating issues, church issues, just whatever. It's nice to share words of experience with them.

On another good note: I am going snowboarding next week for three days in Boulder. Chels, V and one of Chels' friends is going. Should be a great time; I just hope I'm not too fat and lazy to have a good time. I have GOT to find a way to start working out again. Any ideas? I really miss swimming and basketball. Oh well, no use sulking about it; I've been down this road before.

Onto the negative part now. If you like the cheery stuff, quit reading here. Otherwise, drudge on.

Performance reviews came out at work today and I got a 3 out of 5. Pretty decent, I suppose, but I was hoping for at least a 4. I worked really hard this year to catch up on all the time I lost when I was out on medical and I think I really hit the floor running (literally). I had some huge responsibilities on high exposure projects, stayed late almost every day, finished my masters degree and went to every local school event I could. However, all that was not enough to get me a 4. I was a 4 last year and didn't do half as much. It's just really frustrating because I got the MSOM degree so I could get bumped up to level 2 (2 year experience or a masters degree in related field). I just don't know what else to do. My manager told me some people are still upset about some issues from the past (which I still can't seem to get figured out what I did wrong) and that I need to get some good high level exposure. I need to get caught doing good. Since we had a new guy come on board, I have been trying to be the motivation on the team and the driving force behind changes, so I don't know how I can get much better. My morale is falling fast while the expectations for me are climbing. What can I do? I really hope all of corporate America isn't like this. I am not sure what I ever did wrong, but apparently that one thing that happened many months ago is drowning out all the good stuff I have accomplished. Why? I work my tail off, catch issues before they are issues, take the appropriate actions when I need to do so (even if that means I get in trouble), listen to operators, work with the team and help them any chance I can, but yet I am just an average employee. Perhaps if I had an excellent employee to look at for guidance...

I am not giving up, but man I'm really sad. I just don't know what else I can do to prove I am a good worker, regardless of my opinions. I stand up against the unethical things we do and so I suppose I deserve my punishment. Whatever. I feel better for typing this up, but that didn't help me to find a way to get better at my job. If it involves not asking questions or expecting this place to always play the second fiddle, forget it.

A wise man once told me that you should be the poorest, dumbest and ugliest guy in your area, that way you know what to do to improve. Unfortunately, I'm none of those right now (although working on them quickly).

I'm going snowboarding soon. It will be okay when I am standing in the snow next to my love doing what I love and driving my awesome new ride.

Where have I been?

Wow has it really been since July 5th that I got on here? Golly. What all has happened since then?

Well I finished up my masters degree in operations management. There was an exit exam that I had to take in front of three professors. It was very harrowing, but I passed. Woohoo. Matter of fact, I got my diploma in the mail just a few days ago.

I have had a few trips here and there. I visited V's family a few weeks ago to ride with them to a razorback game. The game was on Oct 30th, so lots of people dressed up. It was super cool seeing all the college kids in different outfits. My favorites were the sandtrooper in red and white and jack from jack in the box. Every time I visit Fayetteville, I get a little sad inside. I enjoy being up there but really miss the good times I had in that town. Just a week or two prior to that, V and I went to Fayetteville to see a good friend of mine get married. We had fun in town and hit up lots of good eateries (Red Robin, Penguin Ed's).

This weekend is fall break for V, so we are going to Mt Magazine. We're spending the night in Russellville and getting up early to go hiking. Cory, I hope, will be going with us. Should be a good time. Last time V and I went hiking, it was in the upper 90s and we almost died. I'm hoping that doesn't happen this time. It will for sure be cooler.

Work has been tough. We spent a couple weeks on a project that I thought was stupid. Well it turns out that an upper manager thought the same thing. We were ordered to cease and desist. Ugh. Even though I didn't agree with the project, I disagree even more with stopping before we finish. Whatever. I visited Fort Worth last weekend and got a tour of the plant there. It was really nice. I spoke with a quality engineer on the F35, and she really gave me some great insight. The kicker was this: I had Big Red ON TAP! That made my day. The plant has a killer cafeteria and they had Big Red on tap!

Speaking of Fort Worth, last time I went there, I spent $24k! Crazy huh? Well I did leave with a new set of wheels in the form of a nice fuel-efficient H3. I got tired of the all the dirt roads, pot holes and just poor traffic in the area and decided to go big. On my way back from my last trip (see above paragraph) I managed to stick it in a nice mud hole. God was watching out for this idiot, though, and provided me with a nice, old gentleman on a tractor to pull me out. It was a good time up until I realized I was not getting out. Anywho....

Good times. On a church front, I now attend Jackson St in Magnolia almost exclusively. I have never gotten a phone call or email or letter from College Avenue and I never really felt a part of that congregation, so I decided to start going to the college church in Magnolia. I really like the group there; we have had a few good times and I can relate to them much more than the people at College Avenue.

Another great fourth!!!

Well I got to spend another great holiday with Vs family and I must say that I am very glad to get the opportunity. Where they live in NE Arkansas reminds me so much of Mountain View and Eureka springs, both towns I really enjoy. We shot fireworks, ate lots of meat and shot lots of lead at piles if rocks; it was a great weekend.

It's so odd to me how when we first meet up again V seems a bit uneasy or uncomfortable around me. I'm so excited to see her but she seems to be distant when I show up; I guess it's the time spent apart. We had lots of good talks about marriage and the future and such but didn't really get anywhere. I feel like she's the one for me because she is a constant challenge and because she makes me want to be a better person spiritually, physically and mentally. However, I'm not sure she shares my sentiments. I suppose that's okay because relationships are about experiences and such but I wish that we would get closer to a relationship status as we date and not further apart. Oh well, we'll see what's next.

I got really sad on the way home today. Twice actually. Once when I first left Vs house because I during the summer I never really know the next time I'm going to see her and because I felt like although we had good times and good talks, our relationship didn't really progress like I was hoping. But the second sadness is one I haven't felt in a while. It was the sadness of not being in college anymore. I miss the intelletual challenge and setting. I miss choosing between multiple fun social events with different circles of friends. I miss excitement of big football games, walking everywhere and planning parties in 30 minutes. I know we have to grow up and all, but why do things have to change so much? It makes me sad.

P.s. I hate this town today. I worked in the yard all evening and the whole time dogs were barking, guys were driving by with their music blaring and one idiot behind me decided to rev his motorcycle up and drive around at 930. I'm ready for a change.

What if?

I had a dream a few night ago and some one told me to wait for them. That dream has rattled me to my core and forced me to question all sorts of stuff.

Sitting in high school graduation is always a sombering experience. I can't help but ask myself if I am in life where I want to be. I've lived my whole life knowing good and evil and working on a relationship with Christ to see that almost all the things I can do involve being unethical at some point. Where to now? I was always told I could be whatever I wanted to be and do what I wanted to do. But now I ask if I even know what I want to do. I'm clueless anymore.

I'm trying my best to be the best boyfriend ever but constantly find shortcomings. I don't give it 100% like I should. I need a renewing passion in life, relationships and Christ. V finds those faults yet I can't see them. I have to be better at everything. I'm slipping...

I have so much but so little to say. I just can't find a way to say it.

Gradutated

So I walked across the stage again today at the University of Arkansas. I did the same thing two years ago, minus two days. I had a much larger sense of satisfaction last time, but this time was nice because I did it even though I didn't have to do so. I did get excited about being back in Fayetteville, as usual, and the campus was gorgeous today with the weather being perfect.

Dad and I drove to Faytown together and dropped off the Pearl on the way there. I am trying a new mechanic and hope he's as good as people say; his shop was a mess and I always hate leaving my car at places to be worked on. Oh well, I suppose he can't jack it up too bad. Speaking of cars, I foresee a change in the next couple of months. I just have to find the right one first...

I'm going to Nevada for training next week. I am really excited because the conference looks like a real winner. I hope it is as good as it looks, because it takes on some long hours. We'll see, I suppose.

Downward spiral

Well I made up my mind; I am not going back to school in the fall unless I get some money from someone to go back. Currently I have no TA/GA positions and I am smart enough and work hard enough I should be getting paid to go back. Now that I've made my decision, time to spend a little money...or not.

I am going to drop a solid $1k on my car soon. New stereo, tune up, interior work, whatever i need to do. I love my car and want to hit the 200k mile mark.

I have been super swamped with stuff lately. I should have known better than to play xbox all weekend. I should have known. It was relaxing and fun and I was with the most awesome girl in the whole world, so it was worth it. Now I'm regretting it. Oh well. Grades come and go. I will finish my paper late tomorrow at work or something, if I get a break.

Work has me down. I am SICK of getting up at 4:30 to go to work. It's too early and I hate waking up that early. Nothing good happens before the sun comes up. Plus I'm exhausted at the end of the day from all the lack of thinking at work. I am a glorified mechanic. Today I politely asked some guys to clean up their toolboxes and they told me to shove it and if I wanted them to do something to tell their supervisor. I told him and he told me to talk to the group about it tomorrow. The lack of accountability runs rampant. Oh, we're behind schedule and today we shut the line down for three hours to watch a ceremony about another product line. Fun stuff. I hate that I busted my tail in college to be a mechanic and maintenance guy.

Enough of the negativity for today. I live in Camden, the armpit of the world, so I could go on forever.

I went to an Engineers in the Classroom thing this evening and had a blast! I helped some kids learn how to geocache. It was great. They had fun, but will probably not ever do it. Oh well, they know about it and I had fun. After that, I went and tutored Bubba's wife. I feel like such a hick calling him Bubba, but that's what he goes by. Did i mention he talked me into buying an AK74, which rocked my socks off? So much fun!!! His wife is so sweet and she's trying to get the math, but it's hard with little kids running around. She'll make it though.

One more class and I have a masters degree in management. Fun stuff.

The day the music died...

It was Monday morning. I hadn't heard anything about my TA application so I called them. Turns out that my shoe in chances weren't legit; I didn't get an offer. That puts a huge kink in things. I suppose I should not have banked on getting it until it was in my hand. I am going to keep my fingers crossed for the second round, but I dunno.

On a better note, Stephanie may take a job down here, so I could rent my place to her. That will help financially if I end up going to Faytown. Speaking of the F town, V is probably not moving there her fourth year. We had hoped her sis would go to the U of A but she's not and so V is probably going to move back in with her parents for her fourth year. That puts a damper on things, since I was pumped about being with her more often when we both lived in Fayetteville. Quite frankly, last week all my plans got complicated. I have the money to make it for one semester without hurting, but about half way through the second semester, I would really start to feel the pain. Of course, that is assuming my house doesn't sell. Right now there are probably 20 houses for sale in town, so I don't know my odds of selling this place. It's going to be pretty cheap, so that might help. If I could rent it for about a year or two and then sale it, I'd be golden. That's assuming I don't need the money upfront for school. We'll see. I'm just really confused about what I really want. Lockheed treats me well and the pay is decent, I just get so frustrated about my job and this place. I could probably tolerate my job if it were somewhere better or I could probably tolerate this place is my job was better. I just don't know if it's going to be better anywhere. Perhaps corporate America isn't my scene.

I'm lost. I'm confused.

On a lighter note, I shot some guns this weekend and it was AWESOME. This one gun was 25lbs and it nearly knocked me down when other people shot it. When I shot it, it was a rush. We cut trees down. Soooooo sweet.

Vacation!!!

Well vacation was great. It started off poorly; Friday night I was bad sick with stomach issues. We got up early on Saturday and started off for Orlando. We stopped along the way for lunch (V ate) and then stopped at Krystal for dinner. It was GREAT!!! We pulled up to our hotel pretty late and it's a good thing, the hotel was shady. We got up early Sunday and drove to the hotel, where we were notified that there was only one shuttle to Universal. No fear, though, we found a city shuttle that got us close and we walked there. Universal was pretty good, but both of us didn't feel good, so we didn't enjoy it as much as hoped. I had the two park/ two day pass so after we rode everything at Universal, we went to Islands of Adventure. We rode one ride and then waited on the shuttle...it never came. Actually it came, but it had no markings and so it left without us. We walked to the city bus. Ugh...

Monday came and we rode the hotel shuttle to EPCOT and then to Animal Kingdom. AK was AWESOME!!! We got a fast pass for Expedition Everest and then went to some other rides. It was a great time and the fast pass saved us some real time. I was still feeling queasy at this point, so I didn't enjoy it as much as hoped. We spent a lot of time just admiring the tree of life. It is so cool because it has all these animals carved into the trunk and roots. While burning some time waiting on the Lion King, we got our pictures with Goofy and Pocahontas. After we finished there, we rode to Hollywood studios and watched the Indiana Jones stunt show, road Star Tours (which caused V to almost hurl), waited FOREVER for Rockit Rollercoaster and then jumped on Tower of Terror, just as the sun was setting. Riding that at night was sooooo sweet. We had this cute little British girl on our ride and she had so much fun. After the ride, we hustled to the shuttle so we could catch the last bus home to our hotel.

Tuesday we got up early and rode the city bus to Universal. We hit the main rides (including the Hulk, which we rode up front and it ROCKED!!!) It was a good thing we got there when we did, because after we got in line, the line tripled in length. We rode Jurassic Park and a few other little rides and then checked out Harry Potter world. It isn't open yet, but it looks really cool. V was salivating most of the time we were looking it over. We skipped out of Islands of Adventure in time to grab lunch at Bubba Gumps and then we headed to the hotel for an early night. Good times. We grabbed dinner with Jon at the Rainforest Cafe and then grabbed some ice cream at a Guiradelli's (sp?) chocolate place.

Wednesday we slept in and went to Magic Kingdom at noon. We rode a few things (Pirates, Haunted Mansion, Splash Mountain, Philharmagic) and left on the first bus out at 6pm. We had dinner with Joe at Bahama Breeze that night. Dinner wasn't good, but the company made up for it. I miss Joe.

Thursday was a long day. We got up early, drove to Downtown Disney and caught a bus to a Disney resort. We started the day at EPCOT, rode the few rides there (Mission Space (which was EXTREME), Test Track) and then met up with Jon. After riding the rides but before meeting Jon, we had to go back to Downtown Disney to get the camera which we left in the car. I hated to burn the time, but the break was nice. We went to the global area of the park and had some drinks and way too much food. It was neat and I got bitten by the travel bug. We rode Spaceship Earth and Mission Space with Jon and then departed ways. V and I went to Magic Kingdom and waited on the parade. The parade came and it was really great. She seemed happy to see it. We then ran over to the princess tent and since the line was long, we resorted to seeing Mickey and Minnie. That really seemed to make V's day. She was beaming from ear to ear and I knew I made a good decision booking the trip. We stayed around for some of the fireworks while slowly working out way back out of the park.

Friday was our final day and our biggest. We went to Magic Kingdom all day. We got our fast pass for Space Mtn and went to the Runaway Mine Train (or whatever it was called). I cut in line and my ethical gf grabbed me and made me wait behind everyone. Those ethical gfs...I swear. =) That ride was kinda lame. We then went to get in line for the princesses. That was neat to see Cinderella, Belle and Sleeping Beauty. V, of course, was VERY happy after this. I got about a million hugs after her pictures with them. We rode the Sleeping Beauty ride and then headed to the space area. We rode Stitch escapes and then used our fast passes for the Buzz Lightyear ride. That ride was actually pretty cool. Then we met up with Jon to ride Space Mtn. We saved the best for last. That ride was so much better than when I rode in 2004. We had fun and then parted ways with Jon. V and I did some shopping at Downtown Disney (I got legos from the lego store!!!) and headed out. We drove for about five hours and stayed at a neat little place in Marianna, FL. It was a microtel and I highly recommend.

We slept in late and headed out Saturday morning. On the way home, we stopped at the only Red Robin in all of Alabama. It was sooooo good. Then when we went through Memphis, we stopped at Krystal for one last hurrah. Of course, I was lucky enough that all along the way V let me hit some geocaches. In the parks, the caches were virtual (there was no real cache). So I had to find some real deals.

Anywho, that was the vacation. I am out some big chizzang, but it was worth it. We used my $500 gift card for most food and stuff, so that was nice. Today work was really slow and I found out I didn't get an offer for a TA position in Fayetteville. I am going to make some phone calls to figure out why, since I was told I was a shoe-in. Not getting that position really puts a kink in my plans. A big kink. Time to do some more praying...

Work...finally

I returned to work on Monday and boy did I have some work to catch up on. Really not much has changed since I left and things aren't in any better shape. I got quite a bit of stuff taken care of and managed to avoid a nice work stop a few times. Dodged a few bullets too. Overall work wasn't too bad. I did get bored a few times, but that was many because I didn't feel like finding something to do. My leg is making it okay, although it is rather sore most days. I went to the gym on Monday and Tuesday and felt much better afterwards, just always hacked because the gym sucks so much. Did I mention the doc took off my brace Friday? Yeah, that was real nice. Still have to stretch it daily (which i have been slacking on) and strength train. Both are tough to get motivation to do, but I must.

Supposed to work today, but Camden got doused with snow. Most people there didn't know what to think. I left work and headed to Little Rock; I'm sure Camden is still recovering from the inch of snow they got. =)

I am almost set on the Orlando trip with V. We're going to be there for 6 nights and have 5 days of theme parks to hit. Should be a fast paced, busy trip, but I am pumped. Probably finalize the hotel and tickets Monday. A week isn't much time to hit the parks like we would want, but I think it may be the last big trip (and the biggest) we have for some time.

Speaking of time, no word from Fayetteville yet. I sent in my TA application a few weeks ago and I am sure letters are still floating in. If things work out, I have 191 days until I start on my PhD. Three classes away from finishing my masters. Woohoo!

Zombieland anyone?

Still no work...

Well the intentions were there, but the paperwork wasn't. I went back in yesterday morning and put in a few hours of time before I had to leave. My doctor didn't fax in an official return to work paper and so I couldn't work. I did manage to get all my emails caught up and looked around the place. Now I am chilling at the house all day until the forms come in, which I suspect won't happen until I see the doctor on Friday. Fun times!

I've been playing Xbox Live in the meantime. V got me Modern Warfare 2 for xmas and I have been putting in some major hours on that. It's quite addicting. I have been trying to do other things like clean house, rearrange my room, order cable for the house, work on the car and buy a new TV, but I always end up back in front of the TV.

Good times!

As soon as I got back, I got that feeling again. It's almost a depression type feeling I think. I am not sure what it is, but I just feel lonely here. Perhaps I am lonely, but I just don't know what it is. I didn't feel this way in college, or at least I don't remember feeling this way. I think in college I filled all my free time in with people and that is something that doesn't happen here. I guess that's why God invented marriage. It's weird, though, because I keep trying not to candycoat college and Fayetteville, but I always come back to Fayetteville being the best place on earth. Speaking of, I sent in my TA forms last week. Hopefully they come back with good news. I won't say I am in full on "leave" mode, but I can sense myself getting there. I am saving money as much as possible and only making big purchases that I will use/need there.

Back to that lonely feeling. I am trying to think of cool stuff to do with the locals but it always comes back to just chilling at someone'e house. I think I am going to get a big TV and start having movie/game/food nights here. I think it'll be good for my soul and a great way to let the co-ops at work experience the out of office stuff we do. I don't remember feeling lonely like this when I worked in Joplin, maybe that was because I went golfing every day. Who knows? Regardless, I don't feel that way AT ALL when I am with V or out with the guys. I guess I am just a social addict.

If it happens...201 days!

He cares for the birds of the field

It doesn't happen often, but I am kinda worried. I got a medical bill today for 35k. That was just the hospital bill and it was before the insurance picked it up, but I am still worried about how much I will have to pay. Plus my car is acting really funny lately and I am wanting to take V to Disney world for spring break and I am planning on going back to school this fall. God has provided in the past and I am sure he will take care of me now. I am sure I will come through all this okay. I have been saving my money as much as possible, so that cushion will keep me safe...let's hope.

My leg is doing better. I spent last week with V and did a lot of therapy on my own, so that helped. Yesterday I got to 88 degrees of movement and I suspect (fingers crossed) that I will get past 90 degrees tomorrow. I am soooo sore afterwards, but it is a good workout and I am paying for that. Good times. I can walk with the brace unlocked some but still can't bend it much when walking. It feels unstable when I put much weight on it while bent. I am sure it will get stronger.

Let me tell you about the biggest disappointment in life lately. I drove the car yesterday for the first time in a month. It started fine, drove to the therapist fine and then I went to sonic. At sonic it wouldn't start up again. No clicking, no trying, just dead. I tried and tried with no avail. Dad came by and jumped me off and that worked fine. On the drive home, every time I turned the headlights on, the car stalled out. I did it when I got home and the car went completely dead. Totally, completely, no lights, no buzzer, no nothing. I am worried it is my alternator, but hopefully it is just my battery. That's a quick, easy and relatively cheap fix. We'll see tomorrow. Needless to say, I am worried. I have the money for the alternator, but not the time or tools.

So yeah...I'm kinda freaking a little. It'll be alright though. I am loved. And on a positive note, one thing I am not worried about is my relationship with Vanessa. We had a good week of knockdown dragout arguments and some very in depth discussions and I think we are heading in the right direction. We prayed a lot and I feel much more confident than I did before I spent the week with her.

BTW, if you are considering the Pharaoh exhibit in Little Rock, don't waste your time. It was kinda neat, but only had three mummies and that's counting one kitten.