Hm...I think not

I get down about stuff sometimes. I never can seem to pinpoint it, but I do. It really doesn't matter how good my day is going or how great my friends are, I just feel grumpy. Tonight I went over to Joe's for some amazing food. I shared some laughs and talked about the ladies with my guy friends and ate lots of nice pink red meat. It was good. I walked back through the chilly weather and went to the room. Jordan's worried about his grades. He doesn't say it outright, but I know he is. He's just sad he can't study like he would like to. I can relate. I walked to the hper and played some ball. It went well, but for some reason as I sat there I just really started missing affection. I wanted to hold someone's hand or hug someone a great big hug, maybe even a juicy kiss. There was none there though. Absolutely none, zero, zilch, nil. Sad. Kara tells me how she feels alone sometimes even when all her friends are there and she's having a good time. I can relate. I wish I didn't feel that way sometimes, but I do. I won't say Megan eliminates that, but I don't believe I've ever felt that way with her around.

I'm not sure I'm okay. I think too much and my imagination plays with me. I'm jealous, selfish and proud. I can be bossy and I lie sometimes about stretching stories more than they are. I rely too much on my girlfriend, always have, to be there for me. I feel incomplete without her here. I don't always feel like people in my life realize how much I love/admire/treasure them. Probably never will. I wish Megan knew how much she means to me. No I didn't have to quit playing pool to talk to you, I wanted to. I didn't have to skip out on the movie, I wanted to. I don't have to send you letters, pictures, leave notes, or flowers to worry about your Christmas present, but I do. Is that so bad? Can you feel too much for someone? Meg's the first one I've been able to shell out everything I've got and she doesn't run off. Kudos to you, Megan, kudos to you. The problem with shelling it out, is you secretly inside do it so you might get it returned. She's trying, but I don't often take enough notice of that and I get upset sometimes. She's done the best of anyone I've dated yet. Could anyone do better? I don't know. I made a postsecret for her once. I had it up here for a little bit, but I took it down. I took it down because it was so shallow. So demanding and demoralizing almost, but for the time it was up, it felt good. I felt liberated, because I finally found a way to show myself how I am.

So the RFCs seem to be a topic of much interest to me right now. For some reason or another I don't "feel at home with the RFCs" anymore. I feel like certain people are very fake. I know of one person who was fake and I'm glad that that person is starting to see who they really are and want others to see. The problem is I can't really pinpoint what it is about the RFCs that bothers me. Maybe I'm just an immature Christian and mature Christians aggrivate me. I hope that's not the case, but I wonder whether it's all just me being stupid. It's me being proud and selfish. I wish I knew and could grow out of whatever it was. I'll pray about it, I do all the time and I know God will reveal it to me. I hope it's soon, before I go nuts about it. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I don't know who you are, but to know someone reads it makes me happy.