The night is darkest just before the dawn

Geez it's 178 days until I am finished here and I sure hope, pray, beg that Dallas is better than here. I just got done biking, on the road, and almost got hit three or four times. I drive an hour, one way, to get to church on Sundays only to hang out with mostly college kids at a super conservative church. I'm trying so hard to stay positive and see the positive stuff here, but man it's tough. I guess I am lucky to not have traffic to fight, relatively low utilities (I think) and um...lots of trees. Plus I can go shoot for free down the road at a public range (it's an hour away). I am employed at a great company and a relatively good job.

I guess I just want to enjoy somewhere with more opportunities to do stuff. Anything from Habitat for Humanity builds to learning how to cook sushi on dates to watching the Rangers play baseball. I just would like more options instead of hunting or fishing or swimming in a brown river. I love my church family here; the college kids keep me young and give me a great chance to share advice from my college years.

I really have no room to complain; I am extremely blessed, even beyond what I could ever deserve. I have wonderful friends here and have done some cool stuff (Vicksburg, Disney World, White Sands, etc). In the end, I am blessed by God and I need to find ways to use my talents here in south Arkansas for just a little longer.

Like the preacher said today, "If you are ever out walking around thinking your life is bad, just visit the nursing home and see how it is to have machines keeping you alive."

Halfway there

My parents came into town this weekend and we built a porch. My mom and sister helped clean the up the yard and dad, Cory and I built the porch. I still have a few hours of work left but I should be able to finish up soon. I think I will take tomorrow off (after worship service) and go to the range and send some lead down the way. I enjoy going to Magnolia and seeing my college buds. They are still in college and have some learning to do, but they are open to advice and help keep me young. I enjoy their antics (nerf wars, bowling, etc) and think they are all very unique kiddos.

Life is going so fast right now. I am moving out in about 185 days, which means I am almost there. It is nice knowing when I will be moving/transferring/etc but at the same time, I am just dying to get away. This town never grew on me like I thought it would. I had hoped with all the forests and such there would be ample opportunity to get out and enjoy it. However, when it's nice, the mosquitos are alive and well and then when it isn't nice, I don't want to be out. I'm really surprised there aren't more big parks with trails and stuff. Oh well. I have met some great people and I am glad for that. I have had a chance to save up money and should come out pretty well ahead when I leave here. I hope Dallas doesn't break that up. We'll see though.

Have I told you about my new health goals? I run a couple days a week in the morning and then I am watching what I eat. Since I've started, I have dropped about 10 pounds. Just 15 or so left to go. Plus I do pushups every day and work my abs a little. The ab workout isn't official, but I have to do 50 pushups a day, which is really doing a good number on my arms. I like the results and hope I can keep it up. It is tough to pass up good food so often, but I am getting better at it.

Being single has shown me just how blessed I am in the area of female friends (and males to some extent). I have started talking to Libby Weiler again, which is always fun. She is at an interesting point in her life and I like to listen to her optimism. V is there for me, as always and I really can't find a way to show her just how awesome her encouragement is to me. Really, both of them have been a real pick me up on bad days and I am lucky to still have them around, even with my jerk actions sometimes. Jonnie P, as usual, is there to support me, even with his crazy problems in his own life. He is risking being without a job right now waiting on the perfect opportunity and I am proud of him for that. Plus he has a serious girl interest in his life and I enjoy helping him with advice. His constant advice is not always asked for, but always welcome. I have gone against his advice once and it turned out okay, but I still consider his every pointer he has for me. One of the good things God blessed me with by coming to Camden: I got to meet one of my best and most trusted friends.

Anywho, life is good, God is great and everything we experience happens for a reason. If you can't figure out why, don't worry about it, it will become apparent when the time is right. Sweet dreams.

Patience is a virtue

Wow these past couple of weeks have been a real challenge for me. Work has been super tough and my weekends have been super packed. Three weekends ago, I drove in from Dallas, then to Little Rock and biked a couple of hard miles. The weekend after that, I drove to Faytown (where I biked at least 30 miles) and then up into SW Missouri for a wedding. Last weekend, I went to Mobile and hit the beaches (not quite as challenging as other weekends).

Most challenging of all has been the challenge I've taken with my patience. The Dallas trip resulted in a job offer (which I accepted) and so now I have to wait until Jan to start working in Dallas. WOOHOO! Super pumped about that, but I have to finish up strong here in Camden. I'll survive, but it is tough.

The weekend in Faytown was tough because I had to let God show me patience with my relationships and let Him point me in the right direction. I am always so impatient, but I am going to let Him direct me. The same goes with last weekend in Mobile. I have lots of ideas about what God wants for me, signals that I get and such, but I am just so friggin impatient. I want answers NOW. However, I am praying and meditating and relaxing so that I can see the path in due time. It is tough, but I want to make sure I take the right plunges when I need to do so. I slipped up, in different ways, both weekends by trying to rush stuff (and I guess I sorta am doing that now) but I am dedicating my spirit to being patient. All things come to those that wait...or something.

The beach last weekend was excellent. I got a bad burn on Saturday, but I braved the sun on Sunday and did it all again. The burn is fading away now and I looking a little darker for it. I wish I could have just spent a few more days in the sand doing nothing but reading. I got to see an old friend of mine from the Arkansas Governor's School days, which is always fun. Anywho, that was that. I ate lots of good food and covered lots of long miles. The trip was worth it for the beach and rekindling of a friendship that will be in Dallas when I step into that foreign land in January.

Well I think that is all for me. I am going to get into serious overdrive at some point and remodel this house a little more. We will see how that goes.

I hope God blesses you today and if not, I hope you can see the blessings in disguise out there for you.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel

I may or may not be going to Dallas next week to interview for a design engineering position!!! WOOHOO!! I am so excited. This will be just another step forward in my career goal of being a subject matter expert in engineering...or something. The news could not have come at a better time; my car's alternator went out Saturday, my oven broke and I need new truck tires. So yeah, I could use some good news.

Work has been soooo tough. I am exhausted at the end of every day. I love it though, deep down. I have a ton of projects that are really big and I enjoy the responsibility. However, the results never reward me enough to keep me happy all the time. I think it's mostly my issue, but I feel like we just don't get any respect. I know that deep down we are respected as MEs, but it seems people just don't want to admit it. Oh well. I'll keep working hard and I know my work will pay off eventually. Anyways, I just wanted to fill you in with my latest status on going elsewhere. I really hope this stuff pans out, but if not, I will keep looking for the next opportunity to develop my skills and position myself somewhere I will be valued.

In other news, I got the chance to visit Pleasant Valley's young professionals class last Sunday. It was great to study the Word with intelligent people who are experiencing life in the same way I am. They have great comments and I enjoy the change of perspective (sorry SAU folks). PV has some great stuff going right now.

Whew...that was fun

The past two weeks have been wild!!! Last week was e-week at work and I spent a ton of time doing that. The kids really enjoyed the competition, but man it was stressful. We had to constantly look at the rules and make sure it was as fair as possible. In the end, the competition was fierce, but one of the underdogs pulled out and won the thing. Good times! I spent soooo much time that week and the week before getting ready, on top of supporting the production line and learning as much as I could. It was a long, tough week but I really enjoyed all the planning and power. At one point the plant manager even asked me and another guy to make the decision and go with it. Pretty awesome!

Then this week came along. My boss was out most of the week and stuff just seemed to keep going awry. I worked with my QE and we took care of the issues on our end and I think we took care of it in a very professional manner. I stayed late every day to help clean up the mess and get stuff running smooth again. I didn't mind it, but I was being pulled in so many directions and that got frustrating. So this whole time, my boss is gone and yet the ME group is pulling it together and making things run. Boss shows up today and things are pretty good, except I find out one of my projects has hit a major hurdle that could put us behind a week or two. I tell my boss and he flips. Goes into this "do whatever it takes to get this done" mode. Typically, I would probably roll with it, but this time I was already stressed and super tired. I start telling him how stretched thin I am (we are missing at least three MEs right now) and how I can't get the priorities of stuff straight. He basically tells me I need to both support the floor (by being out there) and get this project done (which involved very little true work on my part, mostly just bugging people). I go into his office to discuss this project further and the conversation ends (as I am telling him how busy I have been) with him telling me that I need to be careful how I use my time at work and not to use it for personal stuff too much (instant messenger, browsing the web, etc). I instantly take this to mean he's accusing me of being so busy because I'm goofy off at work. So, needless to say, I've been upset this evening. Here I am working my butt off as a level 1 (when I will be eligible for level 3 in just a few months) and getting talked to about doing personal stuff at work. I couldn't believe it.

I thought moving to this new program would help me stay around a little longer, but I am just about done dealing with it here. I rode my bike through town and there are a ton of abandoned houses and houses for sale around here. It is kinda scary.

I feel much better now that I blogged about it. I will keep working hard, and if I don't get recognition, I know that my recognition is somewhere else (up high). It's really frustrating and I will probably discuss it with my boss tomorrow. In the meantime, I think I'll start job hunting again. Any of you want to hire an over-achieving mechanical engineer?

Really?!?!

The weekend was going well; I got to play some xbox, didn't have to drive all the way to Magtown to go to church this morning, got some lunch with some of my favorite Riders for Christ and I got to play basketball. Then it dawned on me: "real life" begins again tomorrow.

It's amazing how frustrated I get about work. I'm really torn right now because I feel like I have always given my 110%, got a Masters degree while starting up a new program and constantly try to find new ways to get young people involved at work, yet I can't get a promotion. I just switched to a vastly understaffed program and I have been working my tail off. I hit the ground running and have been trying to keep a positive attitude even though most of the MEs are anything but. I am keeping my responsibilities with e-week, which keeps me super busy, and still trying to learn as much as possible. I just don't understand. It's not the money bonus (although that would be nice) but rather the appreciation and respect that would come with the bump. My friend, who started the exact day as myself, got a promotion last summer and he doesn't even have a masters degree. If I did something to screw up, I just want to know exactly what I did so I can figure out if it was worth it.

Whatever. I'm sick of being upset and so I suppose I should adjust my attitude. That's what leaders do, right? Keep me at my "cloutless" level 1 engineer and I'll keep working my tail off. That way, when I grow up, I might get to move to a level 2. Woohoo! My enthusiasm for work is ever growing.

Chi-town

I just got back from Chicago and I loved it! I never thought I would like such a large, yankee city, but it turned out to be lots of fun. I thought often of Moscow and St. Pete and enjoyed the L there (that's the metro). We worked out of a local church and so we spent a ton of time there. One day we cleaned the whole building, one day we visited nursing homes, one day we spent a few hours at the Great Chicago Food Depository (packaging milk in a 40 degree room) and one day we went sight seeing. The church there is small in number, but large in size and personality. I really connected with a old lady that went with us to the nursing home; her name was Jan and she was young at heart.

While at the nursing home, she entertained an older man who was in a wheelchair. He was very quiet but quite mischievous. He wanted an RC cola, so Jan bought him one. He then wanted the change because it was pretty. She didn't give it to him. He then offered me a drink of the soda, I reached up and he pulled it away and told me to smell it. As I put my nose up to it, he pushed it up rapidly and hit me in the nose. What a stinker! Later, he kept threatening Jan with pouring the soda in the song book bag. It was quite an experience and, come to find out, the guy hasn't spoken much at all until this last visit. Pretty amazing.

We spent Tuesday at the Field Museum. It was really neat, but very dated too. There were a ton of exhibits, but they all need to be updated. I loved the dinosaur skeletons though; super cool! We also explored the "Magnificent Mile". It's a strip of some of the top end stores in America. I didn't go in many of them (the Lego Store, Vic Secret, Eddy Bauer, were about it) but I did enjoy the walk. For dinner, we hit up Ed Debevic's place. It is set up to look like an old diner and the waiters insult you. They're quite rude and it gets to be quite entertaining. Weird right? I paid to be insulted and waited on horribly. Christ, KT and I were the only ones that went and it was worth the long walk (almost a mile off the mile). We got to ride the L train back to the Mag Mile, so it was worth it. Altogether, we walked over 14 miles.

I should mention at this point that I woke up early every morning and lifted weights and swam for at least 30 minutes. I was proud of myself and once again showed that I don't oppose getting up early, but that getting up at 5 is too much (I was up at 6 most mornings). However, I just weighed in and I definitely gained weight. I'll tell myself it was muscle, but I'm still disappointed. On Tuesday, I met a Russian down in the pool and we got to be good friends and speaking with him was something I looked forward to every morning. His name was Anatole. I wish I could have gotten his contact info.

Anywho, fill in the other days working in the church cleaning or preparing the food supplies. There were some adventures in there (like walking to McDs at 10:45 pm on Thursday night), but nothing real big. Friday, we hit up the Lincoln Park zoo and then hit the road. Chicago: been there, done that.

The trip was eye opening for me because I have really become intolerant of people. I tried my best to put up with stuff, but I just constantly found myself cursing under my breath, rolling my eyes or just plain ignoring people. I won't get into the details, but I found myself questioning the sincerity of people's prayers, the immaturity of people being loud and obnoxious and people presuming to be experts because they once did this one thing a million years ago. I'm praying about it regularly and trying my best to help others instead of just criticizing them. I'll survive, I guess I'm just not a college kid anymore but if I want to be a professor someday, then I need to learn to cope.

Here are some pictures for your viewing pleasure.

Sue


Food Depository


Lincoln Park Zoo


p.s. I should mention I am already ready to travel again.

Ugh...

I have been in such a dull mood for the past couple of days. It cycles up and down, but mostly I've been down. I really don't know why, but I am trying to combat it with exercise and eating healthier and such. Actually I'm doing those things so I can sport my sexy hott speedo on my trip to Chicago (there's an indoor heated pool).

I really like my new job. Yeah, I still deal with the same old local junk, but the job keeps me really busy and I enjoy that. Today, the guy that trained me was gone, so I ran basically the entire line. It was super fast paced and I did great in it.

Anywho, I just felt like venting on here about being in a foul mood would help. Didn't do as much as I liked, but I do feel a little better. Time to clean the house and go exercise before going to bed. I work at 5am tomorrow morning. Guess who is excited? :) Life is still good.

What a day!

So much has happened since I last posted on here. For one, I have a new significant other. My last girl just didn't work out; I'm sad things did not go better, but I know that God puts everyone in our lives for a reason and I am glad I got the chance to know V. I hope our paths cross again someday. My new significant other, which I will refer to as KT, is cool. She's an ag major (a little different), fairly athletic, smart, witty and extremely kindhearted. She might just be one of the nicest people I know. It is pretty exciting to be in the starting stage again, but, as usual, I have the common worries of throwing my heart out again to another person. She does seem to be the real deal, but I don't want to throw that label out there just yet; there are still things that need to develop before I can make any sort of outlook. However, I will say this: I think I might have finally found a girl (since I've been seriously dating) that likes me as much as I like her. That's extremely exciting and something I just absolutely adore about her. We'll see.

Enough about all that. I got transferred to another program at work last week. I had spoken with a manager about switching over to help my career a little bit. I am now on a mostly automated program that makes other products that seem much more advanced than the truck. However, they make about 800 times more product than my first line. I have to be at work at 6 (no slacking) and I really don't like that. If I could just come in a little later (7 or 8) I think I would be so much more productive and a better employee; I just don't like going to bed early. All weekend, I stay up until midnight or better, but then I have to get used to going to bed at 8 or 9. Ugh. Beat me with a stick. However, with gas doing like it is, I am glad to have a job.

While life is going very well for me, I must admit I am struggling in many areas right now. First, I just can't seem to get my attitude right. Whether it is dealing with work or just other people, I seem to take the wrong mindset. At work, I see people just being unethical and I can't get over it. It's just so blatant and no one seems to care. On a personal level, I just need to start seeing people like we all are- flawed. I can't really get into it on here; it's just too hard to explain but basically I keep getting mad because I try to do nice things for people (genuinely because I really want to) but don't get appreciated for it. It's selfish and not the way to see things, so I am pretty ashamed of it. However, I am going to start trying to hold onto the original reason I do things for people and forget about whether or not I get thanks for it. Finally, the area I am really bothered by is my weight. I just can't seem to get it under control. It's hovering around 195 and I need to be around 170 or so. I am trying to eat a little better, but it just seems the healthier I eat, the hungrier I am. I had one soda today and I am limiting myself to that (less if I can). I also had an orange, sandwich and small salad for lunch. Within an hour, I was starving. I have found that oatmeal works best for breakfast; I typically don't get hungry again for a while.

Whatever, I am sure I will figure something out. I am heading on a big trip in a few weeks. I am going to work in a soup kitchen and food pantry in Chicago. I'm super excited and hope I really get to do some good work.

Great Week!

This past week was probably the best week since I've been in Camden, within the confines of the two counties of Camden and Magnolia. All week long, I've been working engineering week activities at work, which is a ton of fun. I have been trying to take the reigns of it and planning events left and right. Tuesday, I went to Eldo for half a day to buy supplies and then I spent yesterday and today putting the kits together. I also visited CF today and got to work with the kids building some cool machines to do different things. It has just been a great week.

Outside of work, I've been quite busy. Last weekend was wild! I went geocaching all day Saturday with Carrie and Jeremy (both cool cats) and then went to Shreveport to a great acapella singing class. On the way back, I had an awesome time with a full truck (Katie jumped in for the ride). Sunday, I worshiped and then went to hide geocaches with Melanie and Katie. We had fun and then went to evening worship. Afterward we had dinner and I headed home. Wednesday I had an excellent dinner of alligator and steak, which pretty much made my day (and something I was looking forward to all week). Then tonight we had a night of singing, which I always love, and then a movie night. Good times, good times.

Compared to last month, this month is shaping up quite nice. Basically figured out that life goes on, even if not as planned. God is pretty amazing for His ability to make things work out okay. I'm not sure what he has planned for the next couple of months, but I hope it goes just like He wants it. I'm still dazed and confused about a lot of stuff, but I'm getting along just fine. Now...as for my career...I may end up staying around a little longer if things work out right.

And the walls came crashing down...

Man I had a great time snowboarding last week. I went with the Razorbacks for Christ and we enjoyed some great powder. There were plenty of setbacks for the trip, like a the trailer didn't have lights, we had to use a bus instead of a van, the van had transmission issues and my handle broke off on my hummer, but otherwise we had an uneventful trip. No injuries except for plenty of skiers who had their pride hurt when they tried to snowboard and failed. I hung out with some old friends and met some new friends and really enjoyed the energy of the group. I hit up some bowls and might have pulled off a jump or two. I think if my knee is better next year, I might really try some jumps. I have the stability part down now, so jumps are the next step.

So about a week after that last post, the walls collapsed. I'm not sure where my life is heading now because what I had held as a constant has proven to not be so constant. I am sure that it will come back for me, but for right now I am putting it in God's hands completely. It's a scary feeling to not know what will happen. I know God has tests for us so that we can see our need for Him and I truly believe I am seeing that now. I will have to grow some and it will be painful, but I really hope that she can truly grow and see the love God has for her, just as she is. Regardless of what happens, I am still blessed beyond measure and truly appreciate her running into my life. God sends us people sometimes to help us become great and I believe she helped me on my way. I hope that she can continue to be my motivator, but it's in His hands now.

Work tomorrow. Should be interesting to see what I missed last week. Hopefully I can stay busy. However, in my spare time, I think I'll do some job searching. Like many people have said, it's time for change. Have a great week!

Holidays

I am probably the most blessed guy to ever graduate from Caddo Hills, go to the University of Arkansas and work where I work...and yet I'm miserable at times. I had a great time snowboarding. My family is wonderful and I got some great gifts. I am blessed beyond belief with an excellent girlfriend and I have a job. However, I am just not content.

I'm about to go back to work in just a few hours and I'm so dreading it. I posted last time about some of the stuff that I despise about my job and I just keeping asking myself if it will get any better. I have a good friend that loves his job; he constantly tells me he hasn't worked in years because his job is far from work. I don't feel that way currently. There are some days that go really well and I think I have those things documented so I know what I enjoy, but I think more often than not, things go poorly.

I just don't know. It's frustrating because I can't pin down exactly what I could do differently and I don't want to be that guy that is never satisfied; I also don't want to be the guy that is just content with mediocrity.

Performance Eval

Good evening everyone! I hope that the world is treating you well. I'm doing pretty well myself. I just bought a new used car and really like it. The gas mileage I miss from my old car, but I am adjusting...some. It is nice to have a car I can spend a little money on every now and then and know it isn't being spent to keep it running. Also on a good note: I have been spending as much time as possible with the students at SAU. They are a really good group of kids and have such a diversity amongst them. I love to talk to them about their tests, homework, dating issues, church issues, just whatever. It's nice to share words of experience with them.

On another good note: I am going snowboarding next week for three days in Boulder. Chels, V and one of Chels' friends is going. Should be a great time; I just hope I'm not too fat and lazy to have a good time. I have GOT to find a way to start working out again. Any ideas? I really miss swimming and basketball. Oh well, no use sulking about it; I've been down this road before.

Onto the negative part now. If you like the cheery stuff, quit reading here. Otherwise, drudge on.

Performance reviews came out at work today and I got a 3 out of 5. Pretty decent, I suppose, but I was hoping for at least a 4. I worked really hard this year to catch up on all the time I lost when I was out on medical and I think I really hit the floor running (literally). I had some huge responsibilities on high exposure projects, stayed late almost every day, finished my masters degree and went to every local school event I could. However, all that was not enough to get me a 4. I was a 4 last year and didn't do half as much. It's just really frustrating because I got the MSOM degree so I could get bumped up to level 2 (2 year experience or a masters degree in related field). I just don't know what else to do. My manager told me some people are still upset about some issues from the past (which I still can't seem to get figured out what I did wrong) and that I need to get some good high level exposure. I need to get caught doing good. Since we had a new guy come on board, I have been trying to be the motivation on the team and the driving force behind changes, so I don't know how I can get much better. My morale is falling fast while the expectations for me are climbing. What can I do? I really hope all of corporate America isn't like this. I am not sure what I ever did wrong, but apparently that one thing that happened many months ago is drowning out all the good stuff I have accomplished. Why? I work my tail off, catch issues before they are issues, take the appropriate actions when I need to do so (even if that means I get in trouble), listen to operators, work with the team and help them any chance I can, but yet I am just an average employee. Perhaps if I had an excellent employee to look at for guidance...

I am not giving up, but man I'm really sad. I just don't know what else I can do to prove I am a good worker, regardless of my opinions. I stand up against the unethical things we do and so I suppose I deserve my punishment. Whatever. I feel better for typing this up, but that didn't help me to find a way to get better at my job. If it involves not asking questions or expecting this place to always play the second fiddle, forget it.

A wise man once told me that you should be the poorest, dumbest and ugliest guy in your area, that way you know what to do to improve. Unfortunately, I'm none of those right now (although working on them quickly).

I'm going snowboarding soon. It will be okay when I am standing in the snow next to my love doing what I love and driving my awesome new ride.

Where have I been?

Wow has it really been since July 5th that I got on here? Golly. What all has happened since then?

Well I finished up my masters degree in operations management. There was an exit exam that I had to take in front of three professors. It was very harrowing, but I passed. Woohoo. Matter of fact, I got my diploma in the mail just a few days ago.

I have had a few trips here and there. I visited V's family a few weeks ago to ride with them to a razorback game. The game was on Oct 30th, so lots of people dressed up. It was super cool seeing all the college kids in different outfits. My favorites were the sandtrooper in red and white and jack from jack in the box. Every time I visit Fayetteville, I get a little sad inside. I enjoy being up there but really miss the good times I had in that town. Just a week or two prior to that, V and I went to Fayetteville to see a good friend of mine get married. We had fun in town and hit up lots of good eateries (Red Robin, Penguin Ed's).

This weekend is fall break for V, so we are going to Mt Magazine. We're spending the night in Russellville and getting up early to go hiking. Cory, I hope, will be going with us. Should be a good time. Last time V and I went hiking, it was in the upper 90s and we almost died. I'm hoping that doesn't happen this time. It will for sure be cooler.

Work has been tough. We spent a couple weeks on a project that I thought was stupid. Well it turns out that an upper manager thought the same thing. We were ordered to cease and desist. Ugh. Even though I didn't agree with the project, I disagree even more with stopping before we finish. Whatever. I visited Fort Worth last weekend and got a tour of the plant there. It was really nice. I spoke with a quality engineer on the F35, and she really gave me some great insight. The kicker was this: I had Big Red ON TAP! That made my day. The plant has a killer cafeteria and they had Big Red on tap!

Speaking of Fort Worth, last time I went there, I spent $24k! Crazy huh? Well I did leave with a new set of wheels in the form of a nice fuel-efficient H3. I got tired of the all the dirt roads, pot holes and just poor traffic in the area and decided to go big. On my way back from my last trip (see above paragraph) I managed to stick it in a nice mud hole. God was watching out for this idiot, though, and provided me with a nice, old gentleman on a tractor to pull me out. It was a good time up until I realized I was not getting out. Anywho....

Good times. On a church front, I now attend Jackson St in Magnolia almost exclusively. I have never gotten a phone call or email or letter from College Avenue and I never really felt a part of that congregation, so I decided to start going to the college church in Magnolia. I really like the group there; we have had a few good times and I can relate to them much more than the people at College Avenue.

Another great fourth!!!

Well I got to spend another great holiday with Vs family and I must say that I am very glad to get the opportunity. Where they live in NE Arkansas reminds me so much of Mountain View and Eureka springs, both towns I really enjoy. We shot fireworks, ate lots of meat and shot lots of lead at piles if rocks; it was a great weekend.

It's so odd to me how when we first meet up again V seems a bit uneasy or uncomfortable around me. I'm so excited to see her but she seems to be distant when I show up; I guess it's the time spent apart. We had lots of good talks about marriage and the future and such but didn't really get anywhere. I feel like she's the one for me because she is a constant challenge and because she makes me want to be a better person spiritually, physically and mentally. However, I'm not sure she shares my sentiments. I suppose that's okay because relationships are about experiences and such but I wish that we would get closer to a relationship status as we date and not further apart. Oh well, we'll see what's next.

I got really sad on the way home today. Twice actually. Once when I first left Vs house because I during the summer I never really know the next time I'm going to see her and because I felt like although we had good times and good talks, our relationship didn't really progress like I was hoping. But the second sadness is one I haven't felt in a while. It was the sadness of not being in college anymore. I miss the intelletual challenge and setting. I miss choosing between multiple fun social events with different circles of friends. I miss excitement of big football games, walking everywhere and planning parties in 30 minutes. I know we have to grow up and all, but why do things have to change so much? It makes me sad.

P.s. I hate this town today. I worked in the yard all evening and the whole time dogs were barking, guys were driving by with their music blaring and one idiot behind me decided to rev his motorcycle up and drive around at 930. I'm ready for a change.

What if?

I had a dream a few night ago and some one told me to wait for them. That dream has rattled me to my core and forced me to question all sorts of stuff.

Sitting in high school graduation is always a sombering experience. I can't help but ask myself if I am in life where I want to be. I've lived my whole life knowing good and evil and working on a relationship with Christ to see that almost all the things I can do involve being unethical at some point. Where to now? I was always told I could be whatever I wanted to be and do what I wanted to do. But now I ask if I even know what I want to do. I'm clueless anymore.

I'm trying my best to be the best boyfriend ever but constantly find shortcomings. I don't give it 100% like I should. I need a renewing passion in life, relationships and Christ. V finds those faults yet I can't see them. I have to be better at everything. I'm slipping...

I have so much but so little to say. I just can't find a way to say it.

Gradutated

So I walked across the stage again today at the University of Arkansas. I did the same thing two years ago, minus two days. I had a much larger sense of satisfaction last time, but this time was nice because I did it even though I didn't have to do so. I did get excited about being back in Fayetteville, as usual, and the campus was gorgeous today with the weather being perfect.

Dad and I drove to Faytown together and dropped off the Pearl on the way there. I am trying a new mechanic and hope he's as good as people say; his shop was a mess and I always hate leaving my car at places to be worked on. Oh well, I suppose he can't jack it up too bad. Speaking of cars, I foresee a change in the next couple of months. I just have to find the right one first...

I'm going to Nevada for training next week. I am really excited because the conference looks like a real winner. I hope it is as good as it looks, because it takes on some long hours. We'll see, I suppose.

Downward spiral

Well I made up my mind; I am not going back to school in the fall unless I get some money from someone to go back. Currently I have no TA/GA positions and I am smart enough and work hard enough I should be getting paid to go back. Now that I've made my decision, time to spend a little money...or not.

I am going to drop a solid $1k on my car soon. New stereo, tune up, interior work, whatever i need to do. I love my car and want to hit the 200k mile mark.

I have been super swamped with stuff lately. I should have known better than to play xbox all weekend. I should have known. It was relaxing and fun and I was with the most awesome girl in the whole world, so it was worth it. Now I'm regretting it. Oh well. Grades come and go. I will finish my paper late tomorrow at work or something, if I get a break.

Work has me down. I am SICK of getting up at 4:30 to go to work. It's too early and I hate waking up that early. Nothing good happens before the sun comes up. Plus I'm exhausted at the end of the day from all the lack of thinking at work. I am a glorified mechanic. Today I politely asked some guys to clean up their toolboxes and they told me to shove it and if I wanted them to do something to tell their supervisor. I told him and he told me to talk to the group about it tomorrow. The lack of accountability runs rampant. Oh, we're behind schedule and today we shut the line down for three hours to watch a ceremony about another product line. Fun stuff. I hate that I busted my tail in college to be a mechanic and maintenance guy.

Enough of the negativity for today. I live in Camden, the armpit of the world, so I could go on forever.

I went to an Engineers in the Classroom thing this evening and had a blast! I helped some kids learn how to geocache. It was great. They had fun, but will probably not ever do it. Oh well, they know about it and I had fun. After that, I went and tutored Bubba's wife. I feel like such a hick calling him Bubba, but that's what he goes by. Did i mention he talked me into buying an AK74, which rocked my socks off? So much fun!!! His wife is so sweet and she's trying to get the math, but it's hard with little kids running around. She'll make it though.

One more class and I have a masters degree in management. Fun stuff.

The day the music died...

It was Monday morning. I hadn't heard anything about my TA application so I called them. Turns out that my shoe in chances weren't legit; I didn't get an offer. That puts a huge kink in things. I suppose I should not have banked on getting it until it was in my hand. I am going to keep my fingers crossed for the second round, but I dunno.

On a better note, Stephanie may take a job down here, so I could rent my place to her. That will help financially if I end up going to Faytown. Speaking of the F town, V is probably not moving there her fourth year. We had hoped her sis would go to the U of A but she's not and so V is probably going to move back in with her parents for her fourth year. That puts a damper on things, since I was pumped about being with her more often when we both lived in Fayetteville. Quite frankly, last week all my plans got complicated. I have the money to make it for one semester without hurting, but about half way through the second semester, I would really start to feel the pain. Of course, that is assuming my house doesn't sell. Right now there are probably 20 houses for sale in town, so I don't know my odds of selling this place. It's going to be pretty cheap, so that might help. If I could rent it for about a year or two and then sale it, I'd be golden. That's assuming I don't need the money upfront for school. We'll see. I'm just really confused about what I really want. Lockheed treats me well and the pay is decent, I just get so frustrated about my job and this place. I could probably tolerate my job if it were somewhere better or I could probably tolerate this place is my job was better. I just don't know if it's going to be better anywhere. Perhaps corporate America isn't my scene.

I'm lost. I'm confused.

On a lighter note, I shot some guns this weekend and it was AWESOME. This one gun was 25lbs and it nearly knocked me down when other people shot it. When I shot it, it was a rush. We cut trees down. Soooooo sweet.

Vacation!!!

Well vacation was great. It started off poorly; Friday night I was bad sick with stomach issues. We got up early on Saturday and started off for Orlando. We stopped along the way for lunch (V ate) and then stopped at Krystal for dinner. It was GREAT!!! We pulled up to our hotel pretty late and it's a good thing, the hotel was shady. We got up early Sunday and drove to the hotel, where we were notified that there was only one shuttle to Universal. No fear, though, we found a city shuttle that got us close and we walked there. Universal was pretty good, but both of us didn't feel good, so we didn't enjoy it as much as hoped. I had the two park/ two day pass so after we rode everything at Universal, we went to Islands of Adventure. We rode one ride and then waited on the shuttle...it never came. Actually it came, but it had no markings and so it left without us. We walked to the city bus. Ugh...

Monday came and we rode the hotel shuttle to EPCOT and then to Animal Kingdom. AK was AWESOME!!! We got a fast pass for Expedition Everest and then went to some other rides. It was a great time and the fast pass saved us some real time. I was still feeling queasy at this point, so I didn't enjoy it as much as hoped. We spent a lot of time just admiring the tree of life. It is so cool because it has all these animals carved into the trunk and roots. While burning some time waiting on the Lion King, we got our pictures with Goofy and Pocahontas. After we finished there, we rode to Hollywood studios and watched the Indiana Jones stunt show, road Star Tours (which caused V to almost hurl), waited FOREVER for Rockit Rollercoaster and then jumped on Tower of Terror, just as the sun was setting. Riding that at night was sooooo sweet. We had this cute little British girl on our ride and she had so much fun. After the ride, we hustled to the shuttle so we could catch the last bus home to our hotel.

Tuesday we got up early and rode the city bus to Universal. We hit the main rides (including the Hulk, which we rode up front and it ROCKED!!!) It was a good thing we got there when we did, because after we got in line, the line tripled in length. We rode Jurassic Park and a few other little rides and then checked out Harry Potter world. It isn't open yet, but it looks really cool. V was salivating most of the time we were looking it over. We skipped out of Islands of Adventure in time to grab lunch at Bubba Gumps and then we headed to the hotel for an early night. Good times. We grabbed dinner with Jon at the Rainforest Cafe and then grabbed some ice cream at a Guiradelli's (sp?) chocolate place.

Wednesday we slept in and went to Magic Kingdom at noon. We rode a few things (Pirates, Haunted Mansion, Splash Mountain, Philharmagic) and left on the first bus out at 6pm. We had dinner with Joe at Bahama Breeze that night. Dinner wasn't good, but the company made up for it. I miss Joe.

Thursday was a long day. We got up early, drove to Downtown Disney and caught a bus to a Disney resort. We started the day at EPCOT, rode the few rides there (Mission Space (which was EXTREME), Test Track) and then met up with Jon. After riding the rides but before meeting Jon, we had to go back to Downtown Disney to get the camera which we left in the car. I hated to burn the time, but the break was nice. We went to the global area of the park and had some drinks and way too much food. It was neat and I got bitten by the travel bug. We rode Spaceship Earth and Mission Space with Jon and then departed ways. V and I went to Magic Kingdom and waited on the parade. The parade came and it was really great. She seemed happy to see it. We then ran over to the princess tent and since the line was long, we resorted to seeing Mickey and Minnie. That really seemed to make V's day. She was beaming from ear to ear and I knew I made a good decision booking the trip. We stayed around for some of the fireworks while slowly working out way back out of the park.

Friday was our final day and our biggest. We went to Magic Kingdom all day. We got our fast pass for Space Mtn and went to the Runaway Mine Train (or whatever it was called). I cut in line and my ethical gf grabbed me and made me wait behind everyone. Those ethical gfs...I swear. =) That ride was kinda lame. We then went to get in line for the princesses. That was neat to see Cinderella, Belle and Sleeping Beauty. V, of course, was VERY happy after this. I got about a million hugs after her pictures with them. We rode the Sleeping Beauty ride and then headed to the space area. We rode Stitch escapes and then used our fast passes for the Buzz Lightyear ride. That ride was actually pretty cool. Then we met up with Jon to ride Space Mtn. We saved the best for last. That ride was so much better than when I rode in 2004. We had fun and then parted ways with Jon. V and I did some shopping at Downtown Disney (I got legos from the lego store!!!) and headed out. We drove for about five hours and stayed at a neat little place in Marianna, FL. It was a microtel and I highly recommend.

We slept in late and headed out Saturday morning. On the way home, we stopped at the only Red Robin in all of Alabama. It was sooooo good. Then when we went through Memphis, we stopped at Krystal for one last hurrah. Of course, I was lucky enough that all along the way V let me hit some geocaches. In the parks, the caches were virtual (there was no real cache). So I had to find some real deals.

Anywho, that was the vacation. I am out some big chizzang, but it was worth it. We used my $500 gift card for most food and stuff, so that was nice. Today work was really slow and I found out I didn't get an offer for a TA position in Fayetteville. I am going to make some phone calls to figure out why, since I was told I was a shoe-in. Not getting that position really puts a kink in my plans. A big kink. Time to do some more praying...