In the words of Kara...blah

So today started so good. I jumped the wall into my car, without ripping my super tight suit pants. I then picked up Steven, who was ready and waiting, another plus. Next we drove to Daylight Donuts, donuts are my weakness you see. I bought a dozen donut holes and all they had otherwise were some glazed donuts. So I asked if I could get some choco covered ones. The nice lady said she could make me some by dipping my glazed ones. She did that and I even got two with sprinkles. Things were going great. I showed up late to church and since I was 3 minutes late, there were no seats left with the RFCs. There never are unless you get there like 10 minutes before church. So I sat with this nice elderly couple. They were really nice and I felt bad because I can not remember their names. I even repeated it like 5 times and still no. Well church went okay, but after about 15 minutes I quit wanting to be there. I don't know why exactly, but I just don't care about going much anymore. I see most of the people I want to see out of church, so why should I go? The only people I know at that church are at Tuesday night devotional. Why do I go to church? Oh yeah, to hear a lesson. To hear someone else's interpretation of the Bible or an interpretation at all outside of Scott's.

I don't know why this stuff bothers me still. I honestly don't care that much, but then it's obvious I do care somewhat. So now my attitude is ruined for the day. And you know what is the worst? I don't care! I don't care if I piss off some people today or hurt some feelings today or tell people just how stupid they are. I cut off people driving today, I thought mean thoughts about some people in Harps and I don't care. Maybe this is the real Blair. Maybe deep down inside I'm not nice, I'm not generous, I'm surely not confident, I couldn't be polite, chivalry is dead, maybe I might just be imperfect. Or maybe I have shots of good in me, just shots. They're quick and last a little bit, but at the end of the night I've just got a head ache and a killer hangover. I don't know. I know that people not capable of being leaders or getting out and knowing people should not go on overseas mission trips. I know that doctors shouldn't get paid until I'm healthy again. I mean if I were to work someday and tell my boss to "try" this and see what happens, then I'd be fired when 100 people die. I would not pass go I would not collect 200 bucks. But I can go into a doctor, be told to try something, pay him and then go back in later to try something else and pay him again. Man that's the life.

I think I'm going to make out with some hott college babes over Spring Break. I think I might just whore it up for a bit. See what happens. Why not? I mean everyone else is doing it, why not me. I mean we use that game plan all the time. What's so wrong with doing what everyone else is doing. We all seem to do that in church.

You know what? This blog post probably doesn't make a bit of sense and I probably don't have any claims to anything I wrote. I don't care. I write the first things that come to mind. Hey guy who wants to move into an apartment by yourself because of other people doing things to bother you, this next little bit is for you: if you live your life just letting people do things you don't like then you're going to live a long, lame life. If, on the other hand, you can take note of those things they do and make sure you're not doing them to others and then, with oh so much love, tell that person what you don't like, you might just enjoy things. Live a little bit. People are out there who love you and care about you and although they might eat your special foods or drink your special drinks, don't let it eat you alive. I can tell you all about that and it's not fun at all. Let love in.

I'm sorry for hating you right now. I hate you so much because I love you still even when I know I shouldn't. I have so many reasons to love you and I can't seem to find the strength to admit that love is more than what I thought it was. Love is friendship, love is romance, love is sacrifice. Sacrifice like continuing to put your heart out there no matter how much it hurts. Like continuing to hold on despite the horrible things. I love you and I love you and I especially love you. I don't quite love you yet, but I'm learning. I don't hate you like you think I do. Thanks for reading, thanks for stopping by and thanks for laughing at my inability to tell you I'm going somewhere without giving away where exactly I'm going. I'm smiling now, thanks for that too.

Hey Seabass, you looked stunning today.

Google Earth

So now that I've got this massive processor of a computer, I decided it was time to get google earth. I've now had it for about 47 minutes and I just keep looking at the square of my house. It's kinda odd how little detail they have for 92 Eagle Rest. I mean I've got a pool visible from most satellite images and yet google earth only has my ponds. Maybe I'm supposed to pay some more money and get the better one, complete with images of small towns. Or maybe there's a small town add-on I need. Hm....

So Kara, being the wonderfully wacky and yet always knows what to say when she needs to say it and yet still manages to annoy me sometimes, brought me some food and drink tonight at the desk. I missed her, we didn't get to talk much at the lunch table and then I've been non stop all day. I went to class and then to a money seminar and then to lunch and then to my career coach and then to study and then to the lab to cut a wing and get let down when my plane wouldn't start and then back here to play PS2 and then to work and now I'm back. I've not gotten much done, despite the studying and desk shift. I need to become more productive I think. Or maybe not, I'm still sane and passing my classes.

Man I got on google earth and saw the awesome race track in Germany, the Nürburgring and I can't wait to get loaded, filthy, nauseatingly sick and take a wicked awesome car over there and burn the tires out from under it. It's going to be some craziness. Anywho, it even looks cool from space or near earth orbits or whatever. I could take it though. Oh man, I should check out the tracks in Italy. I've got to find that magazine with the coordinates. Hm....yummy. Well I think I should at least try to sleep now. Try being the key word.

I read in my communications book that the more you know someone the closer you sit to that person. It's a 4000 level class and I'm reading about that. Man oh man, this is going to be some uber fun stuff. (Sorry Germans for not using the umlauts. I don't know how to type those. Blame it on my computer.) Good night and in case I don't see you again, good morning, good afternoon and good evening.

you already are

I think I found my special spot today. I wasn't feeling alive at all and I found this one place I go to week after week and I feel alive. I feel alive because I am so open yet I can relate to so many of the things I see and people never know it. It's amazing how well these home made secrets convey the thoughts of the person. I like them. I like them alot.

I saw Megan today. Lately I could never remember why I ever dated her, but it's amazing how good she is at making me forget all the bad. I hated to see her because I knew it would happen. I fell for her again. We talked for a bit and she told me all her plans, which I honestly didn't care about because I'd only worry about her. I told her all my woes and such, as usual and she left. I don't know my stance on things. Of course I'm not going to hook back up with her, at least not until it turns out we are looking for the same things in a relationship. I just went above and beyond with her. I fought so many demons while I was with her. It's like those summer camps that suck-you get so close to those people. I'm still putting the pieces back together, but it'll be okay. I promise. Enough of this for a bit.

My lab TA is so crazy. He hassled this one guy all night about writing on the wrong side of the paper and then using a pencil and then making up numbers. It was really funny. It was burning up in there and I really didn't have a clue how to write up my lab notebook, but it was fun just laughing at the TA. Go Steve!

Man LARC 1003 is the most boring class ever! Brad told me the teacher is a nudist, so that makes things a little better, cause I just laugh imagining him running from a bear totally nude. Ouchie! Okay, it's not that bad a class, but I could design better. I know I could.

Bible study is such a great thing for me. I love planning stuff and then just rambling in our get togethers. It's great to see my best friends are also Christians. It's like the perks of RFCs plus some more. Good stuff. I can't wait to see what happens this semester. God is working and I can't wait to see what happens.

NERD ALERT! If you think I'm pretty cool and stuff, don't continue reading.

I'm really excited about the build/fly stuff this year. I'm charging my plane as we speak and I'm going to fire it up tomorrow. WOOO!! I built two wings but they both failed, so I've got to redo them. I also have to build a super awesome box for the plane. That'll be fun. Steven and Chris Deal and Aaron Schoolcraft are all dorking it up and working on this stuff. I also talked to a guy about interning at Porsche, BMW, and Toyota and like five guys in class perked up and were listening. We talked about how cool it'd be and all that stuff. I got a little giddy. Working for Porsche would be the coolest thing I could ever imagine. I'd make copies or get tea for the Germans, just to get a nice polo with the words "Porsche" on it. Man oh man. Enough of this, I'm getting all giddy again. Anywho sweet dreams or good morning, whichever. I'd rather be racing and running from cops on this nice PS2 game, but whatever. You people needed an update on my life I suppose.

Come back please...I miss you

I had an okay day. I stayed up late and slept late and the natural order of the universe was balanced. Too bad classes are coming up so soon. Ugh. I went to the lab today and had a good time chilling with Steve and Chinaman. It's so cool that he went there despite it being sorta, kinda, a little dangerous for Christians. Go Chris! Stay away from those non-dangerous places and hit the places where Christianity is something you work for, something you show with pride even though you could be killed for it. I wish I could do that.

Drew, I miss you. You were my first real friend in a long time. I could talk to you about my special Valentine's plans for Megan and we worked together to plan some really sweet stuff. You made me laugh and you moved really well for a big boy. Why aren't you still around? Why are you moving away from me? I think you and her a great together, but don't forget me. I know I didn't always think about you or any of you other people who read this, when I was with Megan. I tried. I always thought of you and most of the time brought her along with me to chill with all of you. Please bring her. Please come to the beach. I doubt you read this, but I miss you man. Best of luck with her.

Brings me to think of my problems with Megan a little more. I still don't think the whole ex-boyfriend thing was 100%, but now I see it wasn't so much jealousy or distrust, but it was her doing regardless of how I felt. Just like bringing him on ski trip right after we called it off, total disregard of my feelings. I'm healing fine. Better than expected actually. I'm not so bad at this game actually. The hunt wasn't exactly missed a lot because I constantly had to continue to prove myself to myself more than anyone. I had to try to get you to see things, so I'm not rusty at all. I never quit trying to win you over. I'm done with you now for a while, if not forever. Read this and know you lost a good one.

Moving on, for good I hope. I had a great time tonight. I went to Slim Chicken to meet up with the RFCs I don't have issues with and we had a good time. I didn't really get to talk to them much, but it was fun. I then slid across college and did some cool fishtailing/drifting/sliding/fun. It was soooo cool. I felt like time slowed for just a second and everything was so clear. Weird eh? Well it was a rush, nonetheless. Then we rented "Lucky Number Sleven" and watched it at V's house. First we played Dirty Minds, crazy cool game btw and then we watched the movie.

I like being the organizer. It's kinda hard sometimes, but seriously I like starting the show and letting the rest of the people keep it going. I swear I organized this year's ski trip and last and I also have been the one on the ball with spring break. It seems like I'm the one who makes the plans for the night and then everyone else makes them work. It makes me feel really special. I like it alot because I feel like people listen, but they don't make me make all the decisions. I do wish people would tell me how they really feel about some stuff. I think people, read Jordan, want to leave and get to bed much earlier sometimes but they don't tell me and I'm a sterling example of Newton's First Law-a body at rest stays at rest. I'm comfortable sitting at V's and sleeping in the seat I'm in. I need people to tell me, hey I'm ready to go. Just whisper it in my ear or something. Or for those people who entertain us, tell me it's time for me and the posse to leave.

Anywho, yeah I'm tired. I have some work to get done tomorrow and since I've been somewhat lazy all week, I'll be working quite a bit tomorrow. YAY! Well sweet dreams fellow peoples. BTW, Aeisha 1 Kara 0 ooooooh

I'm a rocket scientist

So in my awesome reading for Astronautics, I found this cool video. It's from the SOHO spacecraft and it's two comets colliding with the sun. It's from NASA's Jet Propulsion Lab. Just click the little line, I guess. Hm....

Choooo Choooo

Warning! This post is full of negative thoughts. I can't contain them anymore. They're there and I want everyone to hear them. They may not be logical, or smart or nice or pretty, but I want to make sure people know I see them and I'm deeply disturbed.

I don't know where to start. First and foremost, if you reply to this and tell me to pray about it, forget me ever taking your advice again. Prayer is a personal thing to pump yourself up. We don't need to pray, God knows what we need before we need it. We pray because we believe that the message is sent to someone who can do something. No one likes to complain to a secretary, she has no power. God does. We pray to let off steam, to vent to the one thing in the whole world that has power to change things. If I ask for your advice, tell me something with some substance. I've vented to God already about what I'm asking your advice regarding. Second, don't tell me to make my own decisions and do what I want. I will make my own decisions. These legs and this body only respond to me. I will consider other people. Other people are the reason we live. If you're living for yourself, I'm sorry. That's sad to me. Jesus didn't live for himself. He didn't go places to see them for himself, he went there to save people. He came here to save people.

People are such a great reason to live. I see all over the place, the old posters about 10 years from now no one will remember what you wore or where you were from or what you smelled like, people remember you for what you did. I will remember what you did and for that I'm very sorry. Because if you treated me like poo, I will remember it. I'll try to give you another chance, but no guarantees. I'm trying to be like Jesus, so maybe you'll catch me at my prime. If you've treated me like I deserve to be treated, like you'd give up anything for me. I love you. That's all I can return. I hope I did a good job of showing you that. If not, I'm still trying. I could list off all your names, but most of you don't read this and the few who do, know it already. I love you no matter what you did to me, although it's a pain I feel sometimes when I love you. It's like this pain I've got in my tailbone from football. It hurt for a long time, but I got over it. Sometimes, though, when I think about it too much or I hit it just right, the pain comes back. My love for some of you has a bruise on it. That bruise will heal, but it will always be a weak spot.

Finally my thoughts on today and my time here so far. I've enjoyed it all. My classes got tough last semester and I found out who wanted to be here with me. I found some friends I will never forget. When things got tough, they were here to hug me and love me and support me 100%. I'm going to leave this place sometime. I don't know where I'm going or what I'll do, but I know I can always count on those friends to be there when I need them. Since I've seen what they'll do when we're all here, I can have full trust they will handle my crisis in a good way in the future. Your friends can talk all the time about how they will help you, but when the times come if they're talking to you over the phone or something and not face to face, you never really know. I know, Roomie, lil sis, Steve, Pony express, Josephine, Jason, I know you guys are there for me. I know that my ME friends are the best I could ask for, even though Joe won't give me more answers and he fights me for the ladies and Steven is a bit lazy sometimes when I want to finish my work and he drives me so jealous of his random trivia bits.

Well I'm finished now. I've lost my steam. I could very easily get it back and the temptation to do so will not cease anytime soon, but I've spent enough time on those thoughts. More time than any guy should have to spend. I would like to thank the two wonderful ski instructors for this evening. You guys rock my socks off. Well actually I'm pretty sure they burst into flames, but thanks anyways. You were my total motivation here. Well I'd love to stay around, but some of us folks have to learn to drive those trains.

aw poop

Well today was my first string of classes. The first class started great. We moved rooms and still about 7 people ended up sitting on the floor. It was Machine Element Design class. It seems pretty fun, but I've forgotten a ton of stuff since MechEMat and I'm a bit scared. I did some "review" problems earlier and it took over an hour and I still have a ways to go. I guess I'm just out of sync or something. My second class went pretty good. We did have a quiz, that I bombed, but he drops a ton of grades. It's lab II with my adviser and he is a cool cat.

So housing is really making me mad and I think this is going to be the last semester I live on campus. They're requiring a 230$ prepayment which will only apply to spring semester. I'm not sure what I'm doing next year, but I don't think I will be here either fall or spring semester. I don't want to pay now if I'm not going to be here for the fall or if I will be here in fall and not spring. It's ridiculous! Stupid, absurd. I can go on and on. So I'm seriously doubting I recontract. I am going to talk to Jordan and see if he wants to move off campus and if our scholarships will pay for it. I'm not at all hurt to skip out on cafeteria food and community bathrooms. Not at ALL! I just don't know what I'm going to do right now and that is both exciting and scary. I think taking some time off to prolong the college experience would be good for me and fun to see a new batch of friends, but I don't know how long I want to do that. I'm afraid once I stop, it will be tough to start again. I guess if I'm doing engineering stuff, it'll be alright. I don't know though. Study abroad is an option in the fall with internships in the spring or I could go here again in the fall and study abroad in the spring or just study abroad in fall and come here in the spring. I don't know. I'd like to break the monotony of classes here, cause I'm already feeling burn out. I don't know. Any suggestions? Comments? Words on your experiences with housing, scholarships, study abroad, Mustain leaving the Razorbacks? It's all up in the air.

Home, home on the hill

Well I'm back and ready for action. I spent a nice chunk of change on books, but oh well. I guess it costs something to go to school. I'm glad to see all my friends again and I think how short our time left together is. We only have 1.5 years left. Maybe more if I do the whole study abroad/internship thing, but for most of these guys it's going to be over soon. I have wonderful friends, but they all know that so I won't go on about it.

I crawled into my car twice today. My keys don't work too well and the door was frozen pretty well solid, so I popped the hatch and climbed in. I swear, it's always something with that car. I've been saving up for some weather strips and now I'm going to have to, at the least, get a copy of the keys to get in. I've got to figure out what is wrong with that receiver and stuff. If it's not real girlfriends who let me down, it's my automobile girlfriend. I swear....ugh. I love her though, so I'll fix her up nicely. I've got the money now, for a limited time, no doubt, but it's there. Hm....
one key-$20
two weatherstrips-$160
one new exhaust strip-$50
one new transmitter and remote-$100
one bad, little car that always loves me-priceless
for somethings there are credit cards, for everything else there are sports cars

Rain, rain go away...

So every time I either leave or leave for Fayetteville it's raining. I swear it ALWAYS does that to me. It's like God's trying to tell me to stay home or stay at school, quit going back and forth. It's always sad leaving home. I miss my dad a lot, because we're both really crazy out working on the farm. I cut trees down on top of myself and he gets infected with poison ivy. I know my little brother doesn't work much, so it's kinda sad. Plus he's got a girl up here and he's ALWAYS on the phone with her. ALWAYS! It's ridiculous really. Whatever.

I went to a Caddo game last night and, as usual, they didn't let me down. The two girls teams won pretty easily, but the boys put up a game and a half. We were up by two most of the game, and at the end, the other team took the lead. We got ahead by one and there was about a minute left to go. I couldn't restrain myself anymore and I headed down to the student section. I started some chants and led most of them. It was super fun and we ended up winning.

So it's raining like crazy, but on the way I did occasionally clear the fog on my windows enough to see some stuff.
1) Dumb truckers driving 20 under the speed limit.
2) Some ducks running and jumping in the puddles in people's yards
3) Some drainage covers spilling out water in Mena
4) Some idiots with no lights on.
5) Kara

Fun trip. I stopped by Kara's house, which is super nice btw, and ate a kicking good burger. I got gas for 2.09 and found out I'm averaging around 26 mpg and also totally blew my exhaust open. I now drive a nice muscle car, with a nice beefy exhaust note. You should hear it. Seriously.

we all have our stories

So I just finished the third and final Lord of the Rings movie. It was a tear jerker, I won't lie. It's so sad because at the end, much like real life, they all split up. Sam and Frodo and Gandalf and the rest endured so much together and in the end, they had to go onto their own journeys. It makes me think a lot about the guys I've grown so close to during college, through finals and essays and dumb papers and projects and poor professors. We grew so close and it's going to be sad someday to move on. At the same time, I have to be careful not to stick in the student for life rut and actually move on. Granted, I'm thinking more and more of going after my Master's degree, but still at some point I have to get into the work force and make a new life for myself. Along those same lines, I've thought some more and I think I'd rather go abroad in the spring. I think it'd be cool to see the land down under during the fall and winter and plus, as bad as this sounds, I don't want to miss any football games. I do so much love college football. If I do that and end up not being able to get all classes in, that's fine. I just take what I can pay for and then go an extra semester and graduate either during the summer or during the fall. I'm an open-ended book right now.

So I got in trouble today for using a metal spoon on one of mom's new, stick-proof pans. She went on and on and on for about 30 minutes, after 15 or so I found a new task outside to do. I heard her inside still ranting. It's kinda sad she feels she has to be so mad about some pans. I guess she's always wanted some like those and she didn't want them to get messed up. I don't know. I was just trying to cook myself something to eat. But I got mad at first and then I just laughed. Over and over. It started when I thought about this picture I once got of this girl in profile that read on the back "for personal reasons". That always makes me smile and chuckle. So I just laughed and finished my job outside, went inside, ate dinner and it was all peachy. I thought I might cuss or threaten to never come home again, but I just let it go. For me, that's a huge accomplishment. It gets to the point, I suppose, where respect for your parents comes even in their flaws. It's love speaking. That's what love of another person is, dealing with them even in spite of their flaws. I guess I've never be able to hold onto that kind of love with a significant other. I wonder what it truly feels like. I've thought I could do it, but in the end, I failed. That's okay, all relationships teach you something and lead you to something/someone else. I learned a lot from my relationship with Megan, and I hope I learned enough to call the next relationship I have the last one, but if not I know God will lead me through it. He always does. ALWAYS. Never failing, never cheating, never too much to handle, never ending. That's God. He's my homeboy.

For HELMS DEEP!!!

So today's been really good. I woke up and went outside to feed the cows. Did that for a bit and then started the LOTR series. I started with number two, since the fellowship of the ring is on VHS. These movies have some amazing effects and whatnot, but it's really about friendship. I'm watching the second one now and Sam is talking about the stories where you didn't want to hear the end because there was no way it could be better, but it DOES get better. "when the sun shines, it'll shine out the clearer. Those are the stories that stick with you...folk in those stories had lots of chances to turn back, but they didn't cause they had something to hold onto." Good stuff. I'm not sure which one I like the most, but the Two Towers might just be it. The third has good battle scenes, but I think this one has the best story, ideas, etc.

I made some kickin caramel corn today. It was some good stuff. I only dropped the spoon into the pan twice and coated it with caramel, burned myself once, and burned a few kernels of corn. Not too shabby I think. It tastes amazing. I think caramel is my favorite candy on the whole. Just caramel. Throw it with chocolate, or on top of cookies or in candy bars and it's all good.

Tomorrow Chelsea's got a game. I'm looking forward to that and all the fans. I love to get into those games and cheer and start chants and whatnot. I'll see what kinds of fans we've got this year.

Speaking of Caddo, I went to school yesterday and helped mom and all those little girls were so funny trying to get my attention. Shoot, even the little boys were wanting my attention. But I talked to my old AP English teacher for a while and then my AP physics teacher, whose son is coming to Fayetteville possibly, and finally my awesome history teacher. She's been to Japan and loved it and wanted to hear all about Russia. She had a ton of questions and asked me to come back and talk to her World History class. I told her I was thinking of studying abroad either fall or spring of next year and she said over and over to go for it. We'll see. I don't know how well I can fit stuff in my schedule, but who cares if I stay another year? I've got lots of friends below me and lots more stuff to learn.

Seeing all the NFL prospect videos makes me miss NCAA football. I wish it lasted as long as that dumb baseball crap lasts. Oh well, I guess I can focus on NCAA hoops or lacrosse or something. Maybe I'll try to keep up with the new season of F1 racing or something. It's time to branch out.

Home sweet home

Well I'm finally home. I ended up taking Vanessa to Russellville yesterday night to meet her mom. It was a nice thing to do, and I felt bad for not being able to rent her a car. It's all good, it only took me an hour out of the way.

Today I went to the eye doctor and received some bad news. It turns out wearing contacts for long amounts of time, reduces the amount of oxygen your eyes get. Well mine were so starved that my blood veins began creeping across my eye into my iris. She started freaking out and told me I've got to replace them once a month and that it could lead to blindness and all this jazz. So I got a special pair of extremely strong lenses because my eyes are worse than they're supposed to be. I went up one whole point in one eye and half in the other. So I've got to wear these super awesome contacts for a few weeks and come back in for a follow-up in which she'll decide whether I can get more contacts or have to wear glasses for a bit. It's possible I'll be wearing glasses for 6 months if my eyes don't improve. Poopy! Positive-I did get some new glasses. These are pretty nice looking. As a matter of fact, I'll post them on here.
Anywho, that's it for me. I am going to the dentist tomorrow. While I was at the eye doctor, a friend of mine's sister treated me. She told me my friend has gotten married and was selling vacuums now. Exciting! It's so good to hear about old friends from high school, even if their job sucks. hehehe get it? Have a great day. Thanks for reading. Don't forget to check postsecret.com today.

So Close, but so far away

So I didn't want to leave real early today, but now I'm ready to go. I've been at Vanessa's all day, watched a movie or two, ordered pizza and now I'm ready to go home. Stinking little brother, why doesn't he just tell his girl bye and come pick me up. V's car is messed up, so I'm going to run her to the car rental place. I'm too nice, I swear.

I miss Jordan's. It was nice and cold with snow and pretty bunnies. I am already pumped for next year and dreaming about boarding with my new skills. It was really fun chilling with the guys and especially Libby. We had some seriously funny moments. I got a few on camera and some on tape. Should be good watching in the future.

Ah....home. I'm actually looking forward to getting home and relaxing for a bit. It'll be sad to have dial-up again, but I'm sure I can manage. I'm kinda getting down about another semester of school. I don't want to have to work for another girlfriend, but I'm feeling that nagging feeling in the back of my head. I've got a few prospects, but the ones I'm most interested in seem to have circumstances which will cause problems for a little bit. We'll see. I might just cruise for a bit and get closer to God. I know I got real close on this trip with the blizzard and insane boarding. I know God was watching over me those few times I busted it hard. I'm pretty sure I sustained a serious concussion the first day and I think my sphincter took a few nice hits.

So yeah, the last day of boarding was amazing! I am glad I quit on a good foot. I'm already looking forward to the huge trip next year. I've got plenty of time to plan it, but I want to get a good idea of costs and interests and what not. I'm super tired. I went to bed around 730 I think. I did fall asleep on the floor around 6 or so, but I woke back up and crawled into bed around 730 and then got up around 11:15. Ugh...I'm horrible.

WOOOO

Today was AMAZING! I did really well for the whole day. I did have some good wipeouts but for the most part I tore things up. After lunch it started snowing again and the wind picked up. Libby and I went up on the tallest main lift and there was a frostbite warning and massive winds. MASSIVE! I'm talking I had to push myself off the lift chair. The wind blew me over a few times and I could barely see five feet ahead of myself. It was super fun, though. I don't know why I did so much better today, but I think it had to do with being rested up and showing off for Libby. =)

Yesterday was really fun too. We went to Fort Collins and visited a costume store. We spent an hour or so in there and had a lot of fun. We tried on all the hats and checked out all the nice, dirty jokes there. Next we went to a cool, little brewery. We toured it and headed to another brewery where we ate dinner. I had a nice BBQ brisket and some not-so-good chicken trips. They were 90% batter and 10% chicken. The dip was good though, the beer not so good. After a while there we went to a little place called Average Joe's. They had a cover charge for some girl we'd never heard of, but we did it and she turned out to be really good. One other guy named Josh Dillard played really well and then Tara Leigh Cobble was the main show. All were good.

Today on the way to the slopes I got a bit annoyed. Jason thought it would be funny to honk the horn at people. It got a lot of laughs, but I thought it was kinda annoying. Oh well, it was a little funny, I suppose. Plus Jason pulled out some amazing driving earlier in the trip when some guy cut him off and Jason had to lock up the brakes and then swerve onto the solid ice shoulder. The tail of the car started fishtailing and Jason whipped it back and forth about 5 times before he got complete control again. Impressive.

We're leaving tomorrow sometime early. I'll be spending the night at Vanessa's, I guess. Cory has an ACT on Monday, but after that we'll head home. It's been a real fun trip and I've got a lot of good video footage and a few good pictures. Should be fun to watch later.

WHITE OUT!!!

Man it was crazy on the slopes today. We got there and one of the lifts was closed due to 70mph winds. They ended up opening it, but all day the wind was reeking havoc on the slopes. I sucked up my pride and went over to some bunny slopes, but ended up finding some good greens and blues that were really good. I did ride the bunny once, but it was short and lame. I did get a nice ego boost though. It's snowing like crazy in the mountains and Denver, so we're taking tomorrow off and going back on Saturday. It's nice to get a little break, but after my last run today I am ready to get out there again.

I don't know what we're doing tomorrow. I think we might go hit some pubs and stuff in Fort Collins. I don't know for sure, probably just chill out downtown. I'm having a ton of fun here with the guys and Libby and even sometimes Luke. Jordan's dad has been taking us to the slopes everyday, which has been nice, cause I hate driving back after the slopes.

I'm thinking alot about my upcoming three semesters and don't know what I want to do. I thought studying abroad would be nice, but now I think I'd rather just keep chilling in Faytown. I don't know, I'll see what can work as far as studying abroad, and go from there. I guess I'll wait and see what God's got planned. The only problem is that I can't always see what God's got planned. I guess I will just keep going with my gut feeling and see where that leads me. I've gotten this far, so it must be working. I think God speaks to us in many ways and instinct is one of them.

Snowboarding is the place to be

So we had our first day on the slopes today. We left super early, but had a good time. I'm not in nearly the snowboarding shape I need to be, but I'm making it. I'm much better than last year, but still not as good as I should be. I did break my shoes, so I got a new setup today to try tomorrow. I'm looking forward to that. It's kinda funny how everyone's all gung-ho about blacks and stuff, because to me, they're dumb for boarding. I can't do any cool tricks when I'm struggling to stay alive going down a massive hill. I felt kinda bad last year when all the skiers beat me so bad, but I don't feel that way so much now. I saw a ton of good boarders wipe out and a ton more just sitting around on the snow. I only managed four trips down today, but it was a long trail and I was exhausted. From what I hear, boarding is much harder than skiing and also more tiring, so I don't feel so bad about my four trips. They were all fun, minus one trip where I had to pee so bad I couldn't concentrate.

Boarding is like football for me. I'm nervous before I start and dread it, but once I get going, it's pure bliss. I did pop my head really hard today and so I'm not as excited now as I was earlier. I need a helmet. My head still hurts, and I'm really sleepy and my pupils are lagging. Concussion is my prognosis. Who knows?

So yeah it was fun today. More than anything I like seeing all the people try their tricks and try not to look dumb when they wipe out. "It was the wind." "Did you see that kid cut me off?" "He knocked me down." My excuse is that I hit my head and couldn't concentrate anymore and once I had to pee so bad I couldn't think straight. Honestly, I'm pretty decent now. I get on streaks and then end up wiping out when I get tired. My problem is I can't heelside turn and my calves get tired of toesiding it. Oh well, tomorrow's a new day.

My legs are kinda sore

So I hiked for about three hours today in the RMNP and it was some deep snow. We used some awesome snow boots with these sharp spikes and wide bases. They helped alot, but didn't help all the time. I slid a few times and couldn't always make it up the hills. The area was beautiful. There was like 3 or more feet of snow in the unpacked areas and we walked across several frozen ponds, lakes, etc. When we got to the summit, the view was cool and the final lake we came upon was really nice, but super windy and cold.

We then came back to Jordan's and watched some super troopers, ate some amazing lunch, and rented our snowboards and skis. We're super pumped about tomorrow, although I'm a bit nervous that I won't be able to pick up where I left off or even better. I'm going to have to be sure to keep my head straight and not lose confidence in whatever I've got. It's a war on multiple fronts-physical and mental. Always...

Maybe I'm not

I'm not really that good of a person I don't think. I get grudges and hope things go wrong for that person or group. I won't mention the groups or people, but I sometimes get stuck on breaking things into chaos or hoping things don't go well. I don't know why.

So it's nice to be with friends and girls again. hehehe. I'm looking forward to hitting the slopes and getting my mind off recent girl events in my life. Speaking of that, I don't know my current mindset on that. I'm not sure if I'm mad or sad or happy. Maybe a little bit of all of them, but mostly I've got quite a bit of unresolved anger. The ex boyfriend issue still pisses me off and I'm not even dating the girl, that's partially why I don't want to talk to her anytime soon. If she wants to talk, she's welcome to contact me, but otherwise I don't see the point. When I decided to date her, I essentially forfeited the chance to be good friends in the future. Close-minded, I'm sure, but that's how I feel. I'm still hurt from the relationship abuses and I don't want to fix stuff right now.

I'm super pumped about snowboarding. I've got a bit of anxiety about it, but I'm also ready for another challenge. It's going to be a mental battle. Last year I got really discouraged after everyone picked up skiing so well and I couldn't get boarding, but I'm ready to do it this year. Im going to try for some tricks or two and hit the blues super hard this year. I hit them some last year, but I'm going to live on them this year and maybe hit a black or two. Honestly everyone boasting about blacks annoys me, because blacks aren't what I feel snowboarders build up to. We build up to tricks and whatnot. You skiers can go as fast as you want and carve and whatever it is you do, but I'll stick to my rails and jumps. Got it?! Good. I'll kill you otherwise. =)

Hiking tomorrow is going to be some fun stuff.

Colorado by morning

It was a crazy trip here. We left at 6:45am from Fayetteville and showed up at Jordan's house around 3:30am. It was so much fun to get here. We started driving north into Kansas and hit a massive blizzard. We discovered that I70 was closed west of Salina so we turned around and headed south and then west across Oklahoma. It was all good and then we hit an ice storm. EVERYTHING was coated with ice. We even saw this sad cow frozen in a few feet of ice. It was calving and a sad picture. We got to Guymon and everyone was there. It was so crowded in the city. Well we kept going west and got to Boise City and they would not let us go any further west or north. We turned around and headed north from Guymon. We got into Kansas again and the roads weren't great, but passable. We did see a girl lose control and slam into a guard rail. She was okay and we continued trekking along. We got to I70 and the entrance ramp was blocked by some semis and so we had to head east again and then north to I70. We finally got on and it was much cleaner. I got up to 75 or so a few times. We finally rolled into Greeley around 2:45 and due to the incompetence of Joe, we made it to Jordan's around 3:30.

We're going to Rocky Mountain National Park to hike for a bit tomorrow. We're going to get some snow boots or something with spikes and waterproofing and then later we'll check out our ski gear. We've not done anything today but eat and watch NCAA football. Our wonderful hogs managed to lose another game. They're good when they are consistent but today was not one of those days. The refs and commentators sucked major donkey today too. oh well.

Jordan's house has soooo much snow. There's about two feet everywhere and most places have much more snow than that. I stepped into some snow earlier and it was way deeper. I had trouble getting out, but I made it finally.

Some fun things I did on the trip.
1) Try to hit as many birds as possible. I nailed 3, one solid and Joe managed 1 I think.
2) See how many cars we could pass and still not slide on the ice.
3) Go totally random on the iPods.
4) Laugh at little trucks with two wheel drive.
5) Find power outlets anywhere I could to charge my phone, including a burger king bathroom area, and a walmart lamp aisle.

Leaving...in a trailblazer

I'm packed and ready to roll to good ol' Greeley. I'm pumped about this year, although it's a smaller group. We're going hiking in Rocky Mountain National Park the 2nd and that'll be a blast. I've got my massive coat ready, three sets of gloves and some thermals fabricated for the depths of outer space cold. Yeah, I'm ready. Looks like the trip there will be tons of fun. It's been blizzarding in Kansas and Colorado all during the Christmas break. Should be fun trekking through that jazz.

Mena with Kara was pretty fun. We found two nice little coffee joints. One was really cozy and the other not so much, but it had wi-fi. too bad I couldn't merge the two. We also found a nice little park, but due to my hands being filled with "fissures" I couldn't play much. Sad, I know. It was rainy too. We ate at McDs and also Pizza hut. McDs was filled with old people and Pizza Hut was filled with Mena's finest citizens-the rednecks. It was fun though and I look forward to hitting those shops again sometime. Speaking of those shops, I got a nice coffee drink with NO coffee. It was amazing. Really sweet and caramelly. Yum!

Well that's really all I got. It's nice to be back in Faytown with the wireless internet and restauraunts and sushi. I ate too much.

My post secrets

We all have secrets. Thank you for helping me feel confident enough to let you in on them. Megan, you will always be remembered as the most wonderful girl I've ever met. Don' t ever let that change. To all my friends (Megan included), you have no idea how much you mean to me. Just being in the same room as all of you makes me feel 100 times better. Thank you for your smiles, laughs and hugs.

Almost a new day, almost a new year

Now that that's over, here's what else is going down in my life. I just got back from Dallas today. Man it's been a long day. I drove some, but mostly just slept in the car. I'm looking forward to a full day here eventually, although it won't be for the next two days at least. I've got a doctor to gripe at tomorrow about my bloody fingertips and a good friend to hug on Friday. Yay!

I watched V for Vendetta again today and it still makes me want to dress up and march up to Parking and Transit to protest. Oh well, another lifetime perhaps. Speaking of lifetime...okay this is totally not related but I did some research and I might go study in Cairo fall 07. I've always loved Egypt and stuff and there seems to be a good program there. It'll be tough to pull, but hopefully with an internship this summer I will be able to afford it. Well that's all I've got now. I was a little down earlier about being out in the middle of nothingness again, but then I remembered I've got a chainsaw and a bow and some matches. What I can do with those, only McGuiver can figure out but it's bound to be fun.

One last thing. So I just got back from NO this past week and I've never had to defend my work more than ever in the past couple of days. Most of the stuff people said is probably true, but there are still one out of every ten who honestly deserves some help. I drove through Hope this afternoon and there had to have been over 5,000 trailers there in a field just rotting. ROTTING! I'm talking nice looking trailers too. Actual trailers and a few campers. All seemed nice, but were starting to wear. It seems FEMA can buy trailers, but can't actually transport them. Smarties, those guys. At least they tried eh? Well anyways. If you're from New Orleans and you somehow stumbled on this, welcome. Know that I pray for you on a regular basis. I think you should help each other out more, but I know you're also very devastated and stressed.
I hope some nice group of volunteers down there can find you, hug you and start rebuilding your life. Oh yeah and if the Saints win the Super Bowl, the NFL is rigged. Merry Christmas and a wonderfully prosperous New Year.

This is the blind seer, seeing his way into a new year, one post at a time and probably a few posts early.

catching up

12-26-06
Well I saw “Night at the Museum” today with everyone. It was funny in parts, but not as funny as I thought it would be. It was a bit slow to start too. I then went to Big Pop’s where I got some money and one of those pillows that has the speaker built in to allow you to lay on it and listen to your iPod. I liked it, but it was royal purple. PURPLE! I might give it as a gift. Who knows? Speaking of gifts, I tried twice to return one today and both were failures. I was trying to get rid of a UT comforter. It’s nice and all and I like it, but it’s too big and I don’t need it right now as much as I need the money. I NEED me some money. It’s weird how even when I have money, I don’t like to spend it on myself, only on other people. Okay that’s not totally true, I like to buy food. That’s really it. It’s why at the end of the day I’m broke with nothing to show for it. Sad.

I’m not ready to leave here. We’re going home tomorrow because Cory’s girl is coming to town, Chelsea has basketball practice and I’ve got an appointment on the 28th with a dumb hand doctor who will tell me there is nothing he can do but give me more lotion or shoot me in my hand. Losers, those doctors.

Well that’s really it. I did experience some joy today when my grandpa told me about his younger days of being in the Korean War. He did communications. I asked him if he knew Morse Code and he grinned from ear to ear and said “yeah I do. I was in school for 18 months to learn that.” Good times talking to old people. I also swung by Krystal’s and got some amazing little burger. YUM! I finally completed all my Christmas shopping too, although I’m looking for a nice metal briefcase for my laptop still. Oh well.


12-25-06
Well I’m in the big D. It’s nice to be back here where it’s dry and flat and windy. I’ve missed the smell of this place, the people and my grandma. The movies here are really cheap and I’ve been to see “The Holiday” and “Eragon”. Both were surprisingly good. I liked the second one for it’s story and the first for it’s effects and cinematics. It was a well spent six dollars. I also watched the movie “Click” last night with Adam Sandler and I’m not ashamed to say I cried. It was a bit crude at times, but the story was really good and I saw the love of my own parents at times in the movie. It was really good for being an Adam Sandler movie.

It’s been a good Christmas. For the first time I’m not expecting things as much as I’m just enjoying seeing family and being with them. I won’t lie that I want to just set my mom straight from time to time about certain things, but all in all it’s good stuff. I did mention I miss my friends, my other family, but it’s great being with my dad and arguing with my mom and watching my sister admire me out of the corner of her eye and seeing Cory all grown up.

Speaking of Megan, I don’t know what we are now. We’re dating still but we’re not exclusive. I feel like a total hoe for doing that, but I really love her for who she is, but I can’t handle her being away all the time. I barely made it through last semester, I was so depressed, and I can’t do that again. I don’t want to totally break things off with her; she’s so great. I also don’t want to be “left” here while she’s out traveling the world and not missing me nearly as much as I miss her. I just don’t know. I’ve broken up with two great girls because of distance and I hate it. I just can’t handle it without someone around to constantly reassure me of how good I am and hold me when I have a bad day. Back to Megan. She just can’t seem to figure out how to do those things from a distance, but maybe I’m just too harsh on her. I don’t know. I am going to date around if I find anyone who seems nice, but I feel bad because I feel like I’ll just be dating that person until Meg gets back. She’s worth waiting on, but I’m not strong enough. I can’t do it. I’m too selfish and jealous and suspicious and insecure. I am so strong on the outside, but inside I’m in a corner balled up and shivering.

Woo! Done gutting for a bit. Man my hands and back hurt. I swear when you bring a crowbar down on a sink, it hurts if the sink doesn't give. But yeah we finished up a house yesterday and it was very satisfying. It's amazing because on Tuesday we knocked the bejeezes out of that house. We were rolling, with our awesome respirators and all that jazz. Then on Wednesday, we peaked and it was slow rollings. We were tired. It took us like three hours to finish denailing and taking down the ceilings. It was slow rollings. After we finished that house, some of the group left and we proceeded to another house. Inside were three massive (read 3ft tall) piles of blown-in insulation. We bagged some of it, removed the hot water heater and the tubs and toilets and left. It was raining. The crazy part about this area was it was next to a natural swamp area. It looked like a disaster zone. All the trees were blown around and dead. The road was half grown over and you couldn't tell there were houses there, until we exited the interstate and drove in. The home owners told us that water stayed in the house for 9 weeks! You could tell, and we had to use the high tech masks because the mold was SO bad. The home owners were super nice and gladly talked about the situation.

Today started like most days in NO, cloudy and cooler. The only difference is that it was raining and had been raining for a long time. I walked outside and the pathway was under water. I went out front and a manhole cover had been knocked off the sewers by water gushing from it. It was insane. Water was at least a foot deep in most places. Meg and I drove to a lady's house and at one point pushed water with her truck. It was DEEP and also flowing pretty rapidly. The basement of the place we stayed was also taking on water. It is so wild in places under sea level, although I doubt that's the entire story.

That's really all I've got about NO for now and for a while. Not sure if I told you about the poor homeless guy pooping on the corner at an intersection we were stopped at. It was funny, but really sad more than anything. I feel for the people in NO even more if stuff like that is commonplace. The people seem to have lots of hope and that's encouraging, because it's the strong people who are going to have to help all the rest in the city. I believe those strong people can be found at Carrollton Church of Christ. The people are lively, encouraging and really nice. I don't agree with the rebuilding of a city under sea level, but I do agree that if people are going to try then we shouldn't take that away from thenm and we should encourage them because they are trying, and not giving up. So many people would just leave and not come back, but those people see more. They see a town that represents what they stand for and is their home.

Meg was pretty overloaded for the time I was there. She was somewhat snappy at times and it really bothered me, but we had a nice little pow-wow last night and settled the issues. It came down to a little bit of me being a jerk and a little bit of her being herself. She's trying, though, and that's all I can ask and she really wants to be the best girlfriend she can, it's just hard for her sometimes. I don't know what I'm going to do about her being gone next semester, but I do know I'm not going to make it with the relationship like it is. I don't want to go to an open relationship, but I know I can't handle another semester like this last one. I'm not sure what to do. We'll discuss it some more and see what comes of it. Anywho, I'm glad to be relaxing now.

New Orleans or Bust

Okay I've got a ton of stuff to catch up on. I'm in NO for a few days. I've been here since Wednesday. I'll start with that. The trip here was really fun. I rode with Powveria, Carrie, and Courtney. I've never met Courtney previously, but she was a bit quiet but pretty cool. So on Thursday I rode with Megan to City Hall to talk to the head of the building license code. He was an M.E. from the U of A and old. He was really cool and told us how it was and what the problem was. He said lots of people came from all over the place to help "rebuild New Orleans". He would confront them and tell them that they really just wanted to come and make lots of money. He also told me a story about a lady who called about not getting any money for her house. He said that she told him she'd received two checks. He asked for how much and she responded that they totaled over 200K. He asked her if she had a huge house or a double or what and she replied that her house was a single and she thought it was worth more. After we left there, we went to babysit for a bit. The kids were a lot of fun, even though one of them was scared of me and super attached to Megan. To tell both sides of the story, the couple we babysat for had just bought a new house preKatrina. They now live in a small apartment and are working on rebuilding their house. We watched the kids while they worked on it. They were really nice and the kids were a lot of fun. More RFCs arrived, we went out to eat and then came back to sleep.

The next day we started gutting. We hit a double and worked on both sides, after we hit a small garage and totally emptied it. The house was fun, as we took crowbars, shovels and hammers to every single wall. WILD! Jordan Hurst was running around looking for anything left of walls and taking them out. Pow and I worked in the kitchen removing flooring and wall panels. It was fun, but the doctor's masks were hot and didn't work real great. So we've been doing things like this everyday since I've been here. I get up earlier than most, to help Megan prepare stuff for the groups. We make sandwiches, load trailers and all that jazz. We work until 4 or so and then go out on the town or just chill.

Last night we went to the French Quarter to sing Christmas Carols and then Meg and I went out to eat at some Cajun place. I had a nice piece of catfish with some shrimp etoufee. It was really good stuff. Tonight we are extremely tired and I plan on helping prepare stuff for tomorrow so I can sleep late. It's been really fun and a great eye opener. I don't really work for the people here, I work for God and that's what keeps me working when the residents aren't around or don't bother helping us. The house today was really big and had lots of glasses and plates. I took some shot glasses, as the owner only wanted to throw it all out. I also found immense pleasure in breaking some glass, which literally exploded in my hands. Fun stuff.

One last note, Megan's been really good. It took me a bit to understand just how busy and important she is here. People are always looking for her, including me. I try not to tag along everywhere she goes, but I look most forward to chilling with her. I will try to post again before we leave, but EVERYONE here is constantly on here and it annoys me so I try to avoid it.

I just got done hanging out with a great girl friend of mine for the past 4 hours. I'll be honest I thought it was going to be a bit weird, bc we don't hang out much, but it turned out to be pretty good. I got alot of weight off my shoulders with her, because she tells me things too and I know we have alot of trust from knowing the other person could black mail us. hehe. It was good times and I did a little outpouring of things in my life and honestly just flow of conscientiousness. Good stuff that spell checker.

So I'm officially finished with my fall semester of Junior year. It's nice to know I'm almost to the time of another big change. I'll be leaving my great friends here and watching as we all grow up in our own ways and directions. I'll make all new friends at work or graduate school or where ever. It's exciting, scary and amazing! I hope to make it back to the greatest country in the world-Texas. hehehe.

So anywho my final final was today. It was hard, but I feel pretty decent about it. The professor said he's be happy if the highest grade on it was an 80%. Crazy huh? I didn't think it was that hard, but who knows? Not I. I don't much right now, except
1)that I suck at guitar hero
2) caffeine is my archenemy and friend,
3)talking to people who listen and respond is great,
4)friends make life worth it all, close friends make it even better,
5)the world is too large for me to possible go everywhere I want to go, but too small for me not to try,
6) I should've worked harder in high school,
7) Sarah Clark's late night taco-bell runs rock my socks off, and
8) a great roommate like Jordan is a roommate that everyone wants but few people get.

Thanks for listening/reading. I appreciate your comments and suggestions. I have some postsecrets I made, but I feel like making them helps me more than posting them and I don't know how people would respond if they knew my inner thoughts on matters.

Have a wonderful Christmas break, Kara, Megan, Jordan, Sarah, and whoever else reads this that I don't know about. I hope that through my trials, failures and successes you learned something or grew a bit yourself. This is Paul Blair BB Bart Einstein Shelton signing off for a little while.

Almost done!!!

Woooo! I am almost finished with this semester of torture. Geez, I've never struggled so much with classes totally unrelated to my major. I just got done studying for electronics for like four hours with Chris, Joe and Steven. Honestly I got more done with Chris in the 1.5 hours it was just us than the entire time with everyone else. That kid knows how to knock studying out. Geez...I'm totally ready for this mo-fo test. Bring it Dr Schaper, bring IT!

This weekend's been rather crazy. I don't know where to start, so I'll start with last night going to change Sarah's tire. I loaded Steven, Kara and Jordan all into my sexy, fast, little car and drove to toy-r-us. I changed her tire, got paid (woot) and left. Then, instead of going home, I drove to Kristin and Vanessa's house. I knocked and invited myself inside. We chatted and lo and behold Kara showed up! We chatted some more and Steven showed up and then short after Jordan showed up. So they were totally off guard, so it got awkward. I decided to leave and I really did. I got in my car and drove off. Later everyone called me and needed a ride for various "reasons" and I picked them up. We drove to Blockbuster, got "History of Violence" and left. We swang by V and K's and told them goodnight and came back here to watch it. Not a bad movie, but two awkward sex scenes, including some 69 and some stair sex. Weird.

Okay I'm tired of talking about my weekend. Had a nice little pow-wow with Megan today and basically decided I'm not ready to call it quits yet. I love the girl, just not always the girlfriend. Know what I'm saying? I wish I could just make things go better, but it's never that way. I wish I could get her to send that 30 second, pointless email to show she cares. Actually I don't really even want that, I just want to be able to understand how she shows she cares. I can't seem to catch on, however, and it makes things somewhat miserable at times. But then we're together
and it all falls into place. Is that normal? Is this normal? Well I guess I can't compare anything to this relationship with as many "not normal" things as we have.

"why you gotta go make things so complicated?" =)

Hm...I think not

I get down about stuff sometimes. I never can seem to pinpoint it, but I do. It really doesn't matter how good my day is going or how great my friends are, I just feel grumpy. Tonight I went over to Joe's for some amazing food. I shared some laughs and talked about the ladies with my guy friends and ate lots of nice pink red meat. It was good. I walked back through the chilly weather and went to the room. Jordan's worried about his grades. He doesn't say it outright, but I know he is. He's just sad he can't study like he would like to. I can relate. I walked to the hper and played some ball. It went well, but for some reason as I sat there I just really started missing affection. I wanted to hold someone's hand or hug someone a great big hug, maybe even a juicy kiss. There was none there though. Absolutely none, zero, zilch, nil. Sad. Kara tells me how she feels alone sometimes even when all her friends are there and she's having a good time. I can relate. I wish I didn't feel that way sometimes, but I do. I won't say Megan eliminates that, but I don't believe I've ever felt that way with her around.

I'm not sure I'm okay. I think too much and my imagination plays with me. I'm jealous, selfish and proud. I can be bossy and I lie sometimes about stretching stories more than they are. I rely too much on my girlfriend, always have, to be there for me. I feel incomplete without her here. I don't always feel like people in my life realize how much I love/admire/treasure them. Probably never will. I wish Megan knew how much she means to me. No I didn't have to quit playing pool to talk to you, I wanted to. I didn't have to skip out on the movie, I wanted to. I don't have to send you letters, pictures, leave notes, or flowers to worry about your Christmas present, but I do. Is that so bad? Can you feel too much for someone? Meg's the first one I've been able to shell out everything I've got and she doesn't run off. Kudos to you, Megan, kudos to you. The problem with shelling it out, is you secretly inside do it so you might get it returned. She's trying, but I don't often take enough notice of that and I get upset sometimes. She's done the best of anyone I've dated yet. Could anyone do better? I don't know. I made a postsecret for her once. I had it up here for a little bit, but I took it down. I took it down because it was so shallow. So demanding and demoralizing almost, but for the time it was up, it felt good. I felt liberated, because I finally found a way to show myself how I am.

So the RFCs seem to be a topic of much interest to me right now. For some reason or another I don't "feel at home with the RFCs" anymore. I feel like certain people are very fake. I know of one person who was fake and I'm glad that that person is starting to see who they really are and want others to see. The problem is I can't really pinpoint what it is about the RFCs that bothers me. Maybe I'm just an immature Christian and mature Christians aggrivate me. I hope that's not the case, but I wonder whether it's all just me being stupid. It's me being proud and selfish. I wish I knew and could grow out of whatever it was. I'll pray about it, I do all the time and I know God will reveal it to me. I hope it's soon, before I go nuts about it. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I don't know who you are, but to know someone reads it makes me happy.

trembling...

I'm scared. I won't lie. I took a test this morning I thought I was ready for and bombed it. Now I'm getting ready for a test that I can't study for. It's impossible. I worked homework, looked over lectures, notes, examples. I need to do great on both tests to save myself a lot of pain later. It's sad but at this point I'll take a C in MDC, but a B in fluids is unacceptable. I need a massive curve on that mug to get an A, but I think Dr. Davis is a good one to put in power for that. I hope I'm right.

An opening?

It's sleeting/snowing/raining here and it's less than 30 degrees. That could mean no school tomorrow! I might have a break! I already had one test canceled and that means I get all weekend to study for it. Sadly it was the one I was better prepared for. Now I'm stuck with just MDC and an electronics quiz. The quiz won't be bad, but the MDC...I don't even know. I've been looking over stuff for the past couple of hours and need a break. It's going to knock my socks off. I hope I can pull off a C at this point, but I'm secretly hoping for a B.

Well a new situation with the girl down in NO. It appears her ex-bf decided to come down and take some pictures and chill for a bit. Yay for me. It just doesn't seem right for someone to still want to chill with their ex. It's over, that stage of life is done with. Why keep whatever it was going? I mean I talk from time to time to some of my exs but normally it's just "hi how are you doing?". Great. I don't go out of my way to see any of them, I've thought about it a few times, but I don't go through with it. It's not that it's awkward or full of resentment or anything, it's just that the relationship ended for a reason and therefore the level of friendship has fallen. The longer I'm away from an ex, the less I want to go see her. The friendship decreased. I guess if one of my exs lived close I might stay closer, but none of them do. Plus two of them are married, one is engaged and one is in another relationship. I know I how I feel about exs and don't really want to start anything with her boyfriend, mainly cause I'd hate to waste the effort on a lost cause. I don't understand that about Meg's ex, why doesn't he respect me enough to get gone and stay gone? I know she's told him I don't like him hanging around, so I almost feel insulted by his lingering, chilling with her parents, etc. But maybe he knows what she wants more than I do. Maybe he knows that his friendship with her is important and I've not gotten that yet. I don't know, but it doesn't seem right. If that's what she wants though...

No time

This week is going to be wild and crazy, I can tell already. I will make it through though, thanks in part to a wonderfully supportive girlfriend. We had a great time over break. It started out with her driving down from Bentonville to see me for a whole 15minutes. I then returned the favor and drove up there to watch some basketball and chill with her family for a bit. Nice people those Mattys.

Anyways she came to LR on Wednesday night and we went to the game on Friday. We played horribly and the refs were really bad. We ended up losing and it just ruined my night, plus the fact Texas lost to A&M. Geez what's happening here? But we had a lot of fun. At one point Megan left the game because it was too much for her, pansy.

Saturday we chilled around the house, started some fires, sat in the hot tub, played basketball and just enjoyed being together. That's the great thing about being with ones you love, you don't have to think or care about anything else. Well at least that was my excuse. hehehe. Okay well I don't have time to be typing on here. I've got start studying for my test tomorrow in Mechanics of Materials and then finish my project for Lab 1 and then study for MDC and fluids and somewhere in there plan a movie night and do homework for MDC due Wednesday and study for electronics. CRAP! Well it's cool. I'm not single and I'm never alone and I control how good or bad my day is going to be. ;) love ya.

Almost there

Man today is my last day of classes for a whole 5 days! I'm so pumped about not going to dumb ol MDC or electronics. I'm not so pumped about all the studying and homework I'll be doing over the break. It's really not that much, but it's enough to cringe slightly at the thought of it. More than anything I'm pumped about seeing Megan AND going to the LSU game with her. It's going to be a great game with a wonderful girl.

It's funny how much more you're into someone after a fight and makeup session. Once again, I instigated it with my "snide little remarks" as Megan so affectionately calls them. It started this morning with me calling for our morning prayer and her not being able to talk for 10 minutes or so because she had to take care of some stuff. When she called 15 minutes later I was a little upset. It caused me to miss breakfast, which I hardly ever get to eat. I guess more than that, I felt she was putting me on the back burner. I know she was busy doing stuff for Operation Nehemiah, but I felt like I wasn't as important. I know, I've got a bit of a self-esteem problem, but I've never seen it this bad. I don't know what it is. I feel confident about everything but keeping her. I guess I feel like I really lucked out with her and that luck's bound to run out. I dunno honestly. I do know I can't wait to go home and sleep on my too short leather stick-to-your-back couch and sleep late and take a bath and work on my car and see my family and maybe even sit in the hot tub. Now that sounds GOOD! Oh and let's not forget Megan. I CAN NOT wait to see her. I bet she's more beautiful than I remember. Have a great break and don't work too hard. Life's too unexpected to be stressed all the time. <---that may be why I'm struggling with a C in two classes eh?

Rolling...or not?

Well Starksville was beautiful. The campus of MSU was really pretty and flat. The day couldn't have been more perfect. It was warm with enough of a breeze to keep things cool. We left around 12:15am from campus here on Saturday morning. I sat through one movie before I crashed out for the trip. Our driver was crazy, he kept slipping up and hitting the horn and he was bad about drifting over onto the bumps on the side of the road and causing the bus to shake. I got a few hours of sleep and it was nice. When we arrived at MSU we ate some breakfast and walked around campus. Like I said, it was a pretty campus, regardless of the construction. It reminded me alot of A&M, mainly because it was flat with not alot of trees and a lot of open places. Ah...A&M, the one that got away. Well I'll save that story for another day I suppose.

The game went well too, except we played like crap. MSU held us for a while and honestly they shut our offense down. Our first two TDs came from a kickoff return and an interception. Anywho the stadium sucked. I went to the bathroom and essentially the urinal was a ditch near the wall of the bathroom. It was crazy dumb. So after the game we had 45 minutes to load the busses again.

On the way back, I sat behind Vanessa and Ryan again. We voted to stop in about 3 hours to eat. Well our vote was vetoed by ASG and we stopped in about 1.5 hours toe at at Taco Bell or McDs. 30 minutes after we left there the second bus broke down. Its waterpump went out and we stopped at a gas station to wait on a new bus. 3.5 hours later the other bus arrived and we left, at 12am. From there we blew into Faytown and made it here by 6am or so. I staggered to the room, showered, email Megan and went to bed. I woke up around 1:30 and only then because I wanted to eat lunch on Brough. Yum yum.

I'm tired. I'm tired of schoolwork on weekends, I'm tired of trying to figure out about ski trip, I'm tired of my girlfriend being away, I'm tired of tests after breaks. I am TIRED.

slipping into oblivion

I'm upset right now. I'm not sure exactly what set me off, but I'm not happy. I guess it started with waking up being a little warm. The heat's on in my room and the window doesn't help me cool much. Next I decided to print some stuff off for my history class. So I send two (2) copies of each thing and, guess what, one of each shows up. How lucky am I? I click to print, twiddle my thumbs, count to a million and still no papers. I head off to class without my printouts. I take a quiz I studied for since last week and I'm pretty sure it ate my lunch. I don't f care which party who belonged to in 1953. I DON'T CARE! It will not help me AT ALL! So then I come up to the room, still no papers. I email resnet for the third time, tell them to give up and tell them how the printer should be scrapped. Then I head to lunch. It's Brough, so nothing good to eat. I settle for a burger, and an ice cream sandwich. I guess I should be happy I have something to eat right? Well no! I pay 7.25 for this CRAP! I'm not a poor kid in cambodia. Anywho I have lab now and I don't want to be late, so I suppose I should go and rupture some cans, and whatnot. I am so mad right now about this day. There's RFC devo tonight, but I'm not sure I want to go. I'll spare you from all my reasons.

SO things took a turn for the better. I just got out of lab, only 1.5 hours later. That's nice and I had a decent time in there. It's my last lab and that makes me SUPER happy. NExt week is Thanksgiving break for a whole (hold your breath) 3 days. That's right, for three days the University of Arkansas is going to let us unlock our shackles and relax. Too bad the professors don't do the same. I've got at least 2 tests the next week. Anywho I do get to see my girlfriend, which is going to be quite nice. But I won't even get started on that.

Woo Pig Sooieee

So the hogs won yesterday against Tennessee. It really wasn't even much of a game. I think we're now ranked number 5 or something in some polls. I don't know about that. I think the hogs are good, but they're not trustworthy. I'm not sure how much I'll ever trust them, but I am afraid from week to week that they're going to slip up and start playing like they normally do. We'll see I suppose. Nonetheless, the game was awesome. I got in line some Friday night and then go in line around 1130 on Saturday morning. It was pretty fun chillin there until the line converged into the mass of people. I was surrounded by idiotic drunk guys and some "not so smart" girls as well. It's rather annoying to have people drinking in public. They were cussing and yelling all sorts of things I felt ashamed of just hearing. I don't know why people feel they need to drink alcohol to be cool when really all they do is make themselves out to be idiots. I was deeply ashamed of those fans. At one point when one yelled something extremely offensive I lost it and turned around and told him to please not yell obsenities in my ear, and I didn't appreciate what he was saying. I turned around before he responded but I heard something about it being a football game and everyone doing it. That second line sounded oh so familiar. EVERYONE'S DOING IT! yay I think to when I said that to mom back in the day and the response of "well if everyone jumped off a bridge would you follow them?" I think back to that and realize how childish I was to think I needed to be just like everyone else to be cool. I know I probably still feel that way about some things, but I think now I know who I want to be and who helps me be that person a little better. I've got a great group of friends who each have something I want. From Kara always being in such a great mood to Jordan being so easy going to Joe just being fine being a dork. Now I know they probably all have things I don't want, but I know I like those things and they agree with my morals. I think being like everyone else is never a great thing, but then being yourself is many times reflected by who you hang out with. For instance, I don't particularly like reading but Megan does. Well I find myself more and more wanting to read stuff to have conversation pieces for her. I don't see that so much as not being myself as just trying something new for myself. It's good to grow and absorb things that can help your wellbeing. okay I don't think any of that made sense, but oh well. I'm trying to get to the fact that drinking excessively in public is dumb and it makes you look like less of a person. But I'm sure not everyone would agree with that.

Megan and I are struggling right now or maybe it's just me. I'm sick and tired of her not being here, mainly because she can't relate to things that are going on with me right now so she doesn't know what to say to make me feel better. Bless her for trying though, she's never been bad at that. Her perseverance is probably the real reason we're still together. I don't make it easy for her. I guess we're not struggling as far as keeping this together, but more struggling because we see each other's faults and call each other out on them. I don't know what to do. I miss her alot, because it's so much easier to handle it when she's telling me things face to face and I'm calling her out face to face. I miss her so much. I don't know what about her being here with me is what I need. Things just don't go wrong when she's around. She's so uplifting and loving. I've never been so close to someone and it's hard when that person isn't around to just smile because she knows why I'm saying what I'm saying or to hug me when she can see the disappointment in my facial expressions. I don't know if it's normal to miss someone like this. I don't know if there's something wrong here I don't see. Some sort of link missing in my life so that I need another person so bad. I'm afraid I'm too dependent on people, but I don't need her to function it just makes things overall more interesting and easy. I need someone here to slap me and tell me to smile or make me laugh so all my cares go out the door or threaten to leave if I don't study/do homework. Anyway, I'm going to prove to myself I can make a LDR work and I'm going to show that special someone how much I love her.

"you're the only one I ever believed in
the answer that could never be found,
the moment you decided to let love in."
-let love in -GooGoo Dolls

yummy

Cabin Crash 2006

This weekend utterly destroyed any notions of fun I had beforehand. It was AMAZING! It started with an excellent drive down some curvy mountain roads with a posse of beautiful cars behind me. We stopped at Fred's in Yellville and acted so dumb. Then we arrived and built a fire and I had an angel jump into my arms and kiss me. We had an excellent meal and then played a game called "dirty minds". After the realization that my team was going to rock all the other teams, we decided to not keep score but just play and laugh and see what happened. The laughter culminated with Chris Deal laughing so hard he was crying and couldn't read the "dirty" clues. It was so good times. We all retired rather early, 2 or so I think. There were barely enough beds, but no one complained. I got to cuddle next to my amazing girlfriend and I knew everyone in the cabin knew there was no foul play going on in our room. It's an amazing thing to crawl into bed with your girlfriend and know that no rumors will be started because everyone knows you well enough to know you're not going to do anything "bad".

Saturday started off rather early, with the early bird Ms. Matty waking me up to cook breakfast for everyone. We had breakfast and then a quick lunch and Megan and I went to Mtn. Home to watch her brother play some basketball. As soon as we got to the gym, her dad took me back to their house to unload some stuff from a trailer. We had a nice chat and I decided I'm really not so afraid of her dad, even though I feel like he's trying to break my hand everytime we shake. After the game, we ran to get some groceries for fajitas. We then met back up with most of the group to watch Saw III. It was much more gory than the others, but still quite good. The end infuriated me, but of course had a nice twist. Then the whole group met up at Meg's new house to eat and watch the Hogs play. The game was close towards the end, which made for a nice suspenseful game. We had some amazing chicken fajitas and cheese dip and great company at the Matty household. Both her mom and dad were extremely nice, no surprise and invited us back anytime we could. We then headed back to the cabin and played some Mafia. That didn't last long, as everyone was tired and we had church the next morning.

Church was something else. Everyone was up and going and we drove down an extremely curvy and wet road to the Caney church of Christ. It was a small church of about 40 or so people, so when we walked in with 9 people, it was interesting. Everyone behaved themselves well and we went back to the cabin for lunch. Around 2 or so everyone started cleaning up and packing. They left around 3. I stayed behind for some alone time with Megan. We cleaned the cabin up and then napped for a bit. I had homework due Monday so I had to leave around 6pm. It could've possibly been the hardest thing I've done in a long, long time. I fought back tears, to no avail and drove off. The ride back was full of thinking and a bit of sadness. It won't be nearly as long until I see her again and I kind of feel like she's finally starting to miss me like I miss her. She's already talking about the next time we see each other. Hopefully we are able to spend lots of time over xmas break together, cause spring semester is going to be SUPER tough with her in Germany. I'm glad I'm making some good relationships with new people to keep me smiling and comforted.

Speaking of new friends, this one isn't too new but a great blessing in my life right now. She's been like a little sister to me since we really met and a few people have noted that she could easily fill the part. Kara Moore and I talk quite often and today we spent about 30 minutes talking about relationships and religion and our Christian paths. She's struggling with stagnation in faith and I feel like I'm on the diving board about to spring at the right opportunity. I recently started praying with Megan more often and we're also carrying on a Bible study of acts right now. I feel so confident in our relationship when I get done discussing the Bible or talking to God with her. My small group Bible study on Thursday night has been a huge blessing. It's growing by the week and I'm very happy to see God working through it. Recently a good friend of mine, Steven, asked me about attenting devo with me on Tuesday nights and getting more involved with church. I hope that this will lead to another spirit revived in Christ. Friends are an amazing thing and I love them all, especially my best friend in the whole, wide world-Megan.

I'm so excited...

I don't have much to say at this ungodly hour except that I'm thinking nonstop about seeing Megan this weekend and partying it up at the cabin with everyone. I'm a little upset about Vanessa and Ryan bailing at the last minute, but it'll be their losses. I'm ready to do it!

Oh yeah

I've been struggling alot lately with jealousy/distrust and forgiveness. I don't know what has gotten into me. I've been doing a better job of containing it, but I still feel it nagging at me. I want so badly for it to disappear, but I guess I'm not there yet. I wish I didn't put Megan through the things I do because I can't deal, but I do nonetheless. I keep praying about it, and it seems to get better and then it plummets again. Sometimes it's triggers, but sometimes it just happens. Am I suppose to feel this way from time to time? I know I'm not normal but is feeling the way I feel sometimes normal? I'm trying...

Hm...I ponder shall I wander?

It's beautiful here. I'm not really a nature fanatic and most people would agree, but it's absolutely gorgeous here right now. The trees are in all sorts of shades of orange, red, yellow and green. I drove down Dickson this weekend and noted 27.4 people on Old Main lawn taking pictures. I should take a few myself and post them, but we'll see. I'm not sure there will be any leaves come tomorrow morning anyways after the MASSIVE wind today. I swear it grabbed my pants and carried me into some people. I could've flown a kite to the moon today. I'm sure the wind was blowing even in space. It blew so hard I kicked a soccer ball straight up from midfield and it score a goal for us. Crazy eh?

Speaking of crazy, I'm going crazy waiting for this weekend. I'm SO excited about seeing Megan and laying a big, wet juicy smile on her. That's right, it's big and since there's going to be some good food, it'll be wet too. So yeah I've been thinking of her for the past million years and I'm ready to see her in...egad! person. It's like waiting for Christmas, except no returns or snow or decorating a tree, and for that matter no wrapping paper...so I guess it's not like Christmas at all. Except that it will take FOREVER to get here.

Man I've got a ton to talk about on here. I think I'm honestly just avoiding my electronics homework. I will do it later today I suppose. So I'm kinda worried about this Xmas break. We're having a hard time deciding the arrangements for the 2nd annual ski trip to Jordan's house. Many ppl from last year aren't going and many more want to go. The problem arises in that we can't really split up the group too well and we can't have too many people going. I may end up calling a few guys, hopping into a car and just driving there. No planning. But the money comes into the picture. I'm really wanting to get some stuff for the ol' white lightening, so I dunno. I can feel some jealousy coming on for Megan being with the RFCs, so I've got to get a cap on that. I don't know if we'll be able to meet up for skiing this year or not. I'm so horribly bad, I'm not sure I want her to see me board. So if I were to go to the resort, we might ride a lift together and then I'd be on my own the rest of the time, which would defeat the purpose of going in the first place. So I'm not sure how it's all going to work out. What's to say we'll even be together then? So I guess I shouldn't worry about it until it gets here. I do know I want to go to Jordan's and board some more. Hm....well I think this is it for a bit. Halloween is today and I really don't have big plans. I wish she was here to go trick or treating with me. Otherwise it looks like no candy for me. I've got to work the Gregson basement halloween thing anywho. Over and OUT.

I want one....

Working on a full house...with a hand full of jacks

It's almost the weekend!!! This week wasn't too bad, or at least the latter part wasn't it. I had a a quiz and test Monday and a test Wednesday. I think I did decent on the one today but Monday's weren't too good. I'm going to struggle to pull A's in most of my classes, but after my last test in MechEMat I only need a 65 to get an A in there. I'm happy about that. So that and lab 1 and hopefully history will be As for sure. I don't know about MDC and electronics, it'll depend mostly on the curve in those classes. I've not been doing too great in either, but neither has anyone else. It just kinda stinks that I don't know how I'll end up in those classes. All I know is the rest of the week is up in the air. I've got nothing due, minus MDC which I am almost done with, until next week. I'm reviewing some electronics and reading history, but otherwise I'm finished for the week and that makes me very, very happy. It's a shame I didn't plan on going home this weekend, instead of sacrificing study time last weekend to go home.

I gotta tell ya, this long distance thing with Megan is getting old. I'm tired of everything. I sincerely like her, but geez another couple months of this and I'll be old and grey. It's not killing me, but it's a nuisance and it aggrivates me more than anything. I tried to avoid this situation and look what happens. I just keep thinking back to this one time she said something about us not being married and I agree 100% now. We're NOT married, so why do I deal with this poop? Love. I dunno why I can't keep my mind off her, why I can't not do things for her even when she doesn't return the favor. I do know that when I am tired and lonely, she's not around to hug me or give me a smile and tell me everything's going to be okay. But then, maybe I don't need that anyways. I guess the ultimate question right now is "Is she worth it?" Right now-yes, later-we'll see. Over and out.

Making it by

This week's gone by fast. It's not been too bad of a week. I had most of my tests/quizzes last week so this week is just a clean-up week. I do, however, have a test Friday in MechEMat and a test in fluids Monday, following my quiz in electronics. I am not too worried about the mm test, I've been studying all week. The fluids shouldn't be too tough either, but I'm going home this weekend so I don't know how much time I'll have to study. Electronics is still a self-taught class. I did some of the homework tonight and it isn't too bad, but I don't really know what we're doing in there. That seems to be the general consensus though. It kinda sucks having classes with curves, because I'm doing poorly in them, but I know if I can stay with or ahead of the pack I will be okay. It's that way in electronics- I've got a 60 or so but I know the highest average I've heard is a 73. That puts me around a B in there. So I dunno.

Tomorrow will mark one year for Megan and I. It's been a crazy year. I've been confronted by park rangers for starting fires, stood in front of St. Basil's cathedral, played in "caves", made more collages than ever before and never been happier. It's not always happiness though. I think back to this summer, with Megan going hiking. That was tough for me. I know God was watching out for me when he cut the first trip short and didn't allow the second one to happen. I've never been so proud of myself for allowing my girlfriend to do that and at the same time felt so violated. Those were some tough days, this summer. Now I'm here at Fayetteville, while she's down in New Orleans saving the world. hehehe, it's funny how I am always led blindly into relationships that involve distance. I'm going to stick this one out, I think. I gave up in the past and I regret it sometimes. Meg is too great/awesome to give up on. I know we'll have much more of this kind of thing to deal with in the future, but I know if I can make this and next semester, I'll be on the right path to dealing with problems later. Plus I'm discovering more about myself than I ever thought I would. I am seeing I do have a jealousy problem, I am too dependent on others for support and I need to spend more time with God. I've never prayed as much as I have this semester. Some days are just really tough for some reason, both because of classes and a loaded schedule and because of Meg being gone. I'm making it through them, though, thanks to God and our relationship. Megan's doing a great job of helping as well. Listening to my complaints, and never telling me to shut up. She really is great at that.

Anywho, I'm going home this weekend. It's my birthday on Saturday and we're going to *sigh* Magic Springs. I really don't know why my parents want me home, I suspect it is to keep me sober or something, but I'm hoping for a surprise. Like a huge banner wishing me a happy birthday or a large box with Megan secretly hiding in or a Lotus exige!!! How exciting! More than likely, they just want to keep me alcohol free for a few more days. I will get to see my other girlfriend, Patsie, at church. She should be about 5 ft tall and probably still jealous of Megan. hehehe, good times. Have a great weekend!

Craziness

It's been one crazy week and I'm happy it's almost over. I had a test in MDC which rocked my world. I thought I knew the stuff, but apparently none of us knew anything. It was a huge relief to have it over with though. Tomorrow is my midterm in history and it's an actual midterm, so I'm a little anxious to see how it goes. I've been studying on and off since last Thursday, so I think I'll do okay. I've just got to get a grip on everything's place in history.

Meg and I had a nice little discussion tonight. I really started something with no clue where I was going and once again felt a little less like a boyfriend afterwards. I swear she's perfect, but I always manage to find something to gripe about. She seldom asks anything of me, and I always seem to be asking her for stuff. I really don't know what my deal is. I've done the same things in the past, but never to this extent. I don't know where this relationship is going, but I hope I can find a way to improve things for us. I really enjoy every minute of talk with her, but it's when we're not talking that I start taking the off road courses. We've been together for almost a year and although I feel like we've grown in leaps and bounds, I feel we've got a long ways to go. Correction, I've got a long ways to go. I really need to learn to be more of a boyfriend in heart and mind and concentrate less on being the romantic guy. It does no good to be the sweetest thing in the world if I'm not going to back it up with something more substantial. I really do feel like I love her, but sometimes I wonder if I even know what love is to be saying I love her. I'm trying, nonetheless, and I know that's got to count for something. I'm going to try all I've got to be better than she'd ever expect.

Well I suppose it's off to work for me. It's going to be a fun shift, packed with suspence and glamour. I'll be getting ready for this history test, and doing lots of praying. After this it's smooth sailing and that is something I am VERY, VERY thankful for. Speaking of thankful, I talked to my dad today and he always brings a smile to face when he calls for little or no apparent reason. What a guy that dad of mine! I'm going home next weekend for my birthday and I'm actually really looking forward to it. Probably giving Cory's girl a ride to the house, so that'll make for an interesting ride. heheheh. Have a great day.

Where am I

I just finished watching "Lady in the Water" and I've got to tell you that the movie always gets to me. It's about finding your place in life, finding a purpose and it really inspires me to do more. Sometimes I struggle with being worth anything and finding the reason for myself, but that movie shows me that my true purpose might not being what I expect. It's not a typical movie, but you should watch it and watch it as more than just a movie. It's an idea.
Anyways, this week has been good. I had a quiz in history and that's really it. Next week, on the other hand, could be a little rough. I've got a test in history, one of two, and a test in MDC, one of seven or so. The history test is Thursday and I'm not too worried, although I WILL be studying. The MDC test is pretty crucial, but the real crucial one is the electronics quiz. I only have quizzes and the final in there. Right now I'm barely pulling a 52 in there, but hopefully I can knock out this quiz and do a little better. Pray for me.
Well it's been about five days since Meg left and I'm missing her. I missed her alot while watching that movie, bc I watched in theaters with her and we had a nice chat about it. Anywho, I'm stuck on some more mellow songs right now. I'd suggest
Congratulations- blue october
Chasing cars- snow patrol
I've been alternating between them alot, even though they're not really my genre of choice. I hope you have a great weekend and you tell someone you love them. It'll be better for everyone.

Bikes, Blues and a Lovely Girlfriend

This weekend was busy! First, Megan came into town on Friday, which was amazing. She gets more and more beautiful everytime I see her. We went to Fall retreat in Eureka Springs and it was great. I relaxed and had a lot of fun sitting around the fire, praying, hearing John Gay talk and sharing stories with everyone. It's so amazing to be in Christian fellowship with other people who are suffering just like me. I talked to Chris Nelson, who's girlfriend is in Greece. We had a nice chat about dealing with LDRs and I felt encouraged to know he's making it through. Granted he probably doesn't have the "go everywhere" girlfriend I do, but he presented some good ideas for communication. We left the retreat early and went to Bikes, Blue and Barbeque. That was great because it's basically where Megan and I started dating. Things just went from there and I haven't looked back.
Sunday we went to church and then ate at Smoky Bones. It was some good time bbq. I could actually use a little right now. Good stuff! Then we played some football at 6 and didn't do too great. Only 4 girls showed, but they played their butts off. Then it happened, Megan left. She wanted to get home to chill with her family, which I was a little jealous of, but I know they were happy to see her. Hopefully I won't find out that she hung out too much with "him" but we'll see. I'm so happy with her right now, I don't see it making things get too crazy.
Tonight we had another football game. It was a busy day for me: working homework, sleeping, etc. We played great in our game though. We went into overtime and ended up losing 27-24 to the number 2 team in the league, so I was pretty happy. I'd really like a W, but I guess we've got next week. Right now Joe is out and Jordan is at about 45%. They both hurt their ankles, so maybe they'll be healed up by next week. Anyways, I've got some other stuff to take care of before my shift is over. This is going to be nice week, as opposed to the past 3 or so. I do have a quiz in history on Thursday and a MDC test next Wednesday, but I'll take those in stride and try not to load myself down.